It may be happening for real now. In one week I am meeting some girl to possibly take over her lease. Am I doing it for the right reasons?
I am fairly certain it is impossible to go down that road again, the one where I hit the rockiest of all rock bottoms! It's the sort of path you only follow once. I couldn't get back if I tried and thank God for that.
I am stronger. I actually feel older in body, mind and soul. I am capable. If things go wrong I know exactly how to cope, who to go to, how to think. I remember exactly how to fight.
And i can go home any time I want. They said I could come back. they said this would always be my home. If I get lonely by myself, there are people I can call to come over. Or I could just go home for a while.
I have this vision, a beautiful vision of the near future. When I move in i can make cookies in MY OWN oven. I will knock on the doors of my new neighbors, introduce myself and offer them some. Maybe they will be nice people. Maybe we could be friends. Surely, we were all drawn to this beautiful historic building for a reason. Maybe…..this is the same thought I had 3 years ago, which terrifies me….maybe when I am on my own, I will gain confidence. Become bolder. Maybe it will be easier to make friends, and keep them. Maybe…and this is a long shot….maybe they will be like me. Maybe it would be okay to be myself a little. Maybe I could talk about my family and books and art and animals and existential imaginings without feeling stupid, like I do around my old, faraway friends.
Maybe everything will be different.
I house/dog sat for some people for 10 days last summer. It was the 2nd time I ever housesat. The first time I felt bad and cried. The second time, I was fine. I even applied for a job and went in for an interview, with no help from anyone. I think being on my own made me more confident. I don't think I would have done that if I were at home.
Is it possible that new, positive things might come of this decision? Is this a start to a new era? Or yet another big mistake, where I think I'm stronger than I really am?
Will it be good? I hope I hope I hope.
Everybody cross your fingers.