(I didn’t document this yesterday, but I had this fear that the ache in my left jaw, and the weird muscle strain in my left leg and left arm were all somehow part of the same problem. Instead of acknowledging this was all likely going away, i asked for reassurance from my mother, who assured me everything would go away, though I might also have TMJ.)
(I also successfully avoided excessive washing after touching my mask prior to going out bikeriding.)
A: I went biking. dad had asked me to make sure I inserted a lot of distance, more than six feet, between. myself and others. But it turned out impossible to do so because cars had their windows open, traffic made it impossible to skirt around people, and some other people weren’t being careful and weren’t even wearing masks. I wasn’t able to maintain the difference many times.
B: I exposed myself to coronavirus—and I COULD have helped it, COULD have been. more. careful. And now mom and dad are going to get it from me, and I might lose one or both of them, which would be absolutely too unbearable. Also, if I don’t calm down my stress levels i’ll weaken my immune system and it might in fact catch up to me.
C: can’t stop crying, body filled with anxiety chemicals, extremely depressed, hard to function. Disappointed in myself.
D: Okay, you can’t know for sure that you don’t have it. You can’t know for sure what will happen. But you do know that you never intended to do harm, you did try your best to be careful, you will be more careful going forward, no more biking. Forgive yourself, you are operating under very very very challenging circumstances.
also, your friends and family who are thinking rationally have said: it is more than likely that you didn’t get exposed. It’s not worth taking action at this point, that would be excessive. it’s hard not to fear, but try to live in the moment. “Anyone can get hit by a car at any point”
I’m thinking about how OCD can make a person angry, to seek someone to blame in their fear—to seek someone other than themselves. Just like addiction, right? It is easier to be 1) in denial 2) be angry at oneself and 3) be angry at others than to accept…accept our fragility, accept our beauty, accept our temporality….
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our obsessions and compulsions—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Balance between acknowledging your catastrophizing and being irrational ACCEPTING fragility, accepting the terror.
Gratitude: For my mommy and daddy, for my friends, for all the amazing people of this city.