Or, you know, the lack of it.
I'm fortunate in lots of ways, many of which I tend to take for granted. It's easy to overlook things when your life isn't really going so well. So even though my mind will continually be saying "Yeah, but…" I'm going to try to just write down some positive and fortunate things in my life without being (too) self critical.
I can afford to see a psychologist, and although I find it incredibly hard to engage with therapy and I'm not often confident that I'm making any progress at all I do get on pretty well with her and I can see some improvement or at least a shifting in perspective.
I get to spend time with a variety of lovely animals at the animal sanctuary I volunteer at. I mean, I have to clean up after them too and there's a few reasons why the environment is sometimes tense for me and not always comfortable, but it gets me out of the house, gets me working and feeling capable, and I get to hang out with cool dogs.
I have a beautiful and (awe) inspiring friend who sees worth and rare qualities (somehow) in me, cares about me and roots for me. No matter how low I've been, how much I struggle with my issues, or how undeserving of kindness I feel. They've been there for me.
I've been going once a week to a sort of therapeutic group with a garden, doing crafts but with the option of gardening and other activities. It's frightening, more than ever I feel incomplete, incapable, not a functioning adult, not independent, but I feel lucky to have the opportunity. Even though I want to run away.
blah blah blah. I wanted to be grateful but now I just think it sounds like I'm saying hey aren't I lucky, things are great. Not really any balance in my head. But I am grateful, or at least I'm trying to be, despite feeling largely hopeless.