Hello. I have been going out with him for 7 months. We both left our previous partners to be together, it was the hardest decision of my life (my ex and I were talking about getting married).


My boyfriend is depressed and self-hating. He hasn't let go of his guilt from his previous relationship. His ex was abusive verbally towards him and belittled him… He already had a low opinion of himself, so she only validated his beliefs. He has never been confortable in his own skin, he has always hated himself (ever since he was a child). He has even gone as far as to physically alter himself (he has had leg lengthening surgery). He can't bare to see his own reflexion in the mirror. He keeps going to see his ex so that she can tell him how he's wronger her, to validate his feelings of worthlessness and self-hate (he goes when I am not home… he knows I don't like him seeing her). He keeps defending his ex, and blaming his failled relationship on himself.


He tells me that he doesn't deserve me… That he doesn't deserve to be happy. He is contemplating leaving me so that he can, well in my opinion, wallow in his self-pity and self-hatred.


He has grown very distant and cold with me. He keeps his thoughts private, he's scared that I will judge him. I try to support him, I try giving him his space… I've tried to explain that his feelings of self-hatred are ruining his future, and that he's a wonderful person that deserves happiness. I keep telling him that the past is in the past and that even though he made mistakes, as long as he learns from them, that's what counts. He can't change the past, he did the best he could with his ex with what he knew. He keeps the guilt because he thinks he deserves to feel pain. He has never forgiven himself for his mistakes, and I try so hard to help him with this…


He is jeopardizing our relationship now… He tells me he's not sure if he can be with me. I don't want to leave him, he'll only go back to his abusive ex or find someone else who will make him unhappy (because he tells me that he thinks he deserves that). I love him so much, and I sincerely believe he is a great person. We were so happy the first few months (infatuation perhaps?)… But then, his self-hatred creaped back into his head.


I don't know what to do. I love him, but I cry every night because I feel helpless and so sad that he is thinking of leaving me because I am "to good" for him. He has called me names on a few occasions, and has belittled me too… I feel as though he takes me for granted sometimes… I am so sad that he doesn't show me TLC anymore… He doesn't want to be close to me…


It hurts me to see how much pain he is in… I have been in an abusive relationship before (beaten on a regular basis, and occasionnally raped for 4 years with an ex-boyfriend)… Sometimes I feel as though… I had "real" problems, and his are just "self-inflicted"… I find myself a little angry at him, because I figure: I survived an abusive relationship and am doing good… moving forward, I know I deserve to be happy and I'm trying to be positive about my life… As for him, he is just wallowing in his self-hatred… He is extremely successful, smart, handsome, has a great family, popular (as a child and even now)… He should be so happy, no? I don't know how to help him, I don't know what to do…


Can someone please advise me on what I should do to help him? Or should I just leave him be and move on to someone else who will appreciate me?


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