spelling mistakes and i dont care

Im 23 years old and have depression. I recently have been treated with depression and Im seeing a councelor. Shit, I dont even know where to start…

im just feeling so lost. My grades are down in the dumps, my self esteam is gone, i dont find my hobbies entertaining anymore. Im suppose to be working on a computer program that is due tomorrow and I just couldnt figure it out. My mind is a cloud of negativity. I'm afraid I might loose my best friend because of all the negativity. Everybody tells me to just be more positive and relax but its so hard when most of the time you feel like crap. Being happy doesnt last long because sooner or later sorrow drags you back.

I was giving depression pills last year to help me out. I had just transfered to a University in a huge city and I guess I was just overwhelmed. I was alway an honor student but soon after transfering everything went down hill. I couldnt concentrate and I found myself in bed throughout the day. However, after seeing the doctor and maybe six months later I was feeling pretty good. My grades were looking good and I even had started a relationship for the first time! I thought I was on top of the world!…

Then this summer starts and she leaves me. She wanted to just be friends. I was crushed. Never had a relationship before I didnt know what to do or how to react. Then about a couple weeks later I was heading home on a bus and next thing I know Im being attacked by ten people. It was a flash mob. They stoled my ipod and I was belted in the back of the head with aleast 12 punches. Then to end it all they broke a glass beer bottle across my head. They were already gone when I realized what happend. So much blood and glass lay around me. The looks on the passengers faces were of fear but no one got up to help. I got myself up and left the bus. I was taking to the hospital and spend like four hours because they couldnt stop the bleeding. So not long after I get my depression symptoms back and I just lay in bed just hating myself. This time having uncontrolable anger.

I start seeing a councelor provided by the Univeristy. So here I am its the end of the summer and I was thinking that I would be happy. But I havent been able to move on. Friday I went out to a club to try to energize myself and finally try to go out after a summer of being at home. Some girl moved toward me and I got the hint that she wanted to dance so I moved forward to dance. But then one of her friends pulled her back and she made a disgusted face at me and with her finger she made the no sign. Then she whispered to her friends and they began to laugh. I felt like a monster. So i left the club and rode the subway back and forth all night feeling like shit. I didnt know what to do. btw funny story…The first girl I ever asked to dance in middle school made the same disgusted face and walked away. Last friday at the club was the second attempt to dance with someone and i got the same reaction! lol! :-(. So whata great summer right?

So here I sit writing this and I dont know why. I dont want to give up. I want to beat this depression but im Down in a Hole. I just want my confidence back and my happiness.


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