I just became a member today. I felt it necessary after I have been struggling for two days, only to kind of relapse on the third…tonight. When I am doing well and have been clean, I seem to do okay until October / November. I have thoughts on why this time of year, but all in all, it is just another excuse. I have been clean for 2 years and 1 month. I am home alone, no spouse and no children are home and it will be like this until next week. I became nervous as soon as I had the freedom, but I am in school and have so much to do that I knew I was going to be far to busy to get caught up in negative thinking…wrong! The thoughts progressed as the week progressed. I have neglected my school work because my mind just races. Where? How? When? Over and over and over, different scenarios play out in my head. Thank God I work full time. This distracts me. The cravings became so intense yesterday that I started looking up all sorts of prescription medication stuff online (negative sites). I knew I wasn't going to drink at least. I am prescribed a couple of medications that can be abused and just thought, maybe if I play around with those, that will get rid of this feeling. I do not have direct access of my drugs of choice, which is good (I keep telling myself). So, tonight I abused my medications trying to get messed up. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!?! As I asked myself this, I felt the need to use more and more, which is crazy because I have never messed with this stuff before, so I didn't even know how much was too much. Things were "good", but now, I feel sick…natural consequences. Now I am shaking my head, the recovery part of me thinking, "I made a bad choice. I don't need to keep making bad choices. I need to grab control before I move to the next step…turning to my drug of choice." The addict side of me is saying, "well, you screwed up. You know whats next. Hold on tight and pray no one gets hurt." I feel like I have lost control already, but it HAS to be an excuse. I can stop here, can't I? I don't go to meetings and I need to be on the computer a lot because of school, so why not look for a good support group online? I am hoping that I will let this community help me. I know I will be accepting of what everyone says, but I need to let it squash the addict part of my brain. This disease is indeed cunning. The power it can have over my mind blows me and all my logic away. I did call two friends that understand my situation well. One is in recovery and the other is in the middle of a relapse. It is shortly past midnight. A new day has begun. I can do this! No relapse allowed!