I did it, I'm here, looking for help. Does that mean I have to admit this is a problem now?
The first time I went to get my brain scanned, it was because my folks truly and completely believed I was lazy, not ADD. Along with a slew of your typical comorbid disorders, the doc reluctantly admitted I might be obsessive compulsive BEHAVIOR.
Then again, the appointment was more about what my mother thought was wrong about with me than me, so I went ahead and just left out the fact that I walked the same number of times on each foot and could not physically throw away soda cans without removing the tabs. Including other people's cans. Don't even get me started on stairs.
Anyways, I figured since the doc was already thinking it a swell idea to pump me to the max legal dose of methylphenidate and ignore my anxiety entirely, that sort of thing was on a need-to-know basis. Records get trashed after three years, don't they? I have always preferred the world not know each and every little "wrong with me" label that can be stuck to my face.
It comes and goes. My OCD seems to be linked to my anxiety level and the number of panic attacks I have. Or it did, anyways, until after my honeymoon when I SHOULD have been swell, but instead was screaming to myself in the car about how my hands weren't applying equal pressure to the steering wheel because hte alignment was off, and how I couldn't scratch the itchy spot on my face because then I would have to remove both hands.
I pulled to the side of the road and cried for a long time.
OCD, to me, is like the shadow you were terrified of when you had to pee in the middle of the night. If you acknowledge it, if you look behind you, if you start to run, the fear takes you over and you explode with terror, shaking even once you've reached your parent's room and turned on every light.
The more I think about my rituals, my evenness, the mess, the wrongness, everything, the more paralized I become. I don't have anywhere to run to or any lights to turn on. I try as hard as I can to ignore it, but lately, it has been slowly taking me over and ruling my life. I'm losing everything to my OCD.
So here I am.
I am 23. I am a newlywed. I am a multitasker. I am brilliant, witty, and always smiling. And inside, I am terrified. I can't go inside my home anymore, and I have no one else to talk to.
It's nice to meet you.