I feel incredibly guilty about the way I go about my life. I feel guilty that people worry about me and that I often want to end it. When ever someone says something like " I worry about you" or things like that, it makes me feel really bad. I shouldn’t be putting anyone through this. I just wish it would just….S.T.O.P!
I know suicide is one of THE most selfish things someone can do, and yet it always feels like an option for me. I know that if i were to take my life, it would hurt alot of people, and it’s thinking about my little sister that stops me alot of the time. I guess the point is, things get too much. Sometimes everything get so hard that even thinking of my sister doesn’t change my mind.
I wish that I’m not like this. I wish that I didn’t put people through what I do. Unfortunatly there are some things that are just not going to change. Some things are just meant to be. There are people out there, like me, who are just destined to live like this forever. It’s a harsh reality, but a true one.
I got some resonses to my last blog that got me thinking…. What is it that stops me telling the therapists/doctors what exactly is going on in my head? Well the main thing is fear. Fear as to what they will say, what they would do.. Fear that what I say makes no sence, and therefore there is nothing they can do to help me. I have a fear.. no actually its more a knowledge.. well it is for me, that no matter what I say, its not going to make a difference, and there is nothing I can do about it. I fear that i’m burdoning them. They have better things to be doing with thier time than talking to me. I’m not worth anyones time. I know people say different, but i know, in my heart of hearts that i’m just a waste of space.