Well I don’t know why it’s happening again but for some reason I’m getting depressed. Like I will start thinking about the future and everything and thinking of everything that could go wrong.
It might be because my birthday is coming up soon and I’m worried my family will forget like they did two years in a row (last birthday and the one before) I don’t forget theirs and I’m always there for it (unless they’re having a party with friends and then I’m not invited but I still wish them happy birthday) and I’m worried everyone will forget though I haven’t forgotten about theirs.
I already know my little sister is going to her school dance instead (which she’s in middle school and they have about five a year) of being at my birthday. Yeah, many who read my blog and how I feel about my family would ask why I even care…well I know why.
I try to please my parents and family and right now it’s becoming really hard since they’re all angry at everything. And I sometimes just want to know that they still remember that I exist. And that what I try to do (mediator to my family) doesn’t just get blown off like I didn’t do anything.
Also I want my little sister there because out of my entire family I hold her dearest to my heart and I’m trying to protect her from what’s going on but she doesn’t seem to notice any of what I’m doing but fortunately for me she isn’t as affected by the family because I refuse to allow them to do this to her. I’ve become more of a mother type to her than my own mother is.
But when I found out my little sister wouldn’t be there what really got to me was what I heard. L=Laura (my little sister) and D=my father
L: We have a dance at my school on the 19th.
D: do you want to go?
L: Yeah but that’s Ashley’s birthday. Do you think she’d mind?
D: No she won’t care. You can go.
It really hurt me to hear that my father didn’t even ask on my feelings about that. I mean at least Laura took in consideration (in a way) of my feelings. But it still hurts that they don’t care. And it’s going to be my 16th birthday…my family threw a party for my older sister on her 16th….and when she was 13 my mom took her out to lunch….and when she was younger she was ravished with gifts. I’ve never gotten that….ever. And I had been looking forward to the 13th birthday lunch with my mom…but all I did was ride around in a hot car all day while my parents ran errands.
On my 14th my best friend threw me a party because my parents wouldn’t. She brought all our friends and I was so happy. But when I got home I came to find my parents had brushed off anything of my birthday. They didn’t get me anything….not even a small cake…. (Reminds me of my 15th birthday. My parents gave me a choice on my gift and only bought me one present)
I have a feeling I know what is going to happen on the 19th….and I have an even greater feeling that I’m going to be crying when I get home from school.
The saddest part of all this is….I’m used to it.