You know I try hard to be positive hoping that each day I can go without depression. So many outside influences rule my life. When depressed I can't get out of bed..the house and I just don't have the energy to do anything. I chose to live with someone that is a control freak …alcoholic among other things. I can't even say why I've stayed for so long. (11 years). How a person can get sooo mad over a stupid tv program. Or maybe something that I may have said. So then you have to be on guard always for everything. Why do I stay. ..I wish I knew. Some of the things that come out of his mouth make me feel so small. OK so a number of you could say get out…go on…sheesh…hard really hard when you have formed feelings. Maybe fear….I leave soon for a trip…and of course he has to be mad and sullen so now I am so depressed that I can't get excited. Let alone get off the couch to pack. I hate how I let others control my depression. I know I know don't let others do that. You know how easy it is for others to give that advice? All my life I've lead this never ending emotional state. That's when you wonder if life is worth it. I look back on 63 years and wonder why I'm still here. I've been brought back to life to many times…it's a tiring life. Ok…God has a purpose for me…or this makes you stronger …..all I am is so tired. I really am tired….of mates. ..family…kids…who will never understand mental illness. I never asked for this and would banish it if I could. I would change my life drastically. ..but I fear this is what I've been given as a lot in life.I'm tired mentally. Tired tired tired