Hi everyone, sorry for the dramatic title but it is what it is. Anyway, as some of you know, I've been living with my mother and father-in-laws since August. I'm now at the point where I am barley functional, I feel sick all the time, I'm exhausted all the time, and I think I'm even losing my hair. I'm so angry so that it's easy for me to go into a rage and I feel like I hate my husband's family.
I had an episode a few weeks ago where my husband said something like this, "If you don't succeed in what you're trying to do (become a professional illustrator/artist), then we'll never be able to have a family or move out of here or travel." At this point, I lost whatever sanity I had and I walked into the laundry room (where we have our little "kitchen") and I saw two knives. I picked one up and tried cutting a few places in my arm. I felt like I was in a dream and i wanted to keep doing it-then I realized what I had just did and I collapsed on the floor. My husband finally walked in and I screamed at him and told him he's going to make me end up in the hospital and he cried an appologized. I accepted it (somewhat) and tried to move on with my life.'
My husband has always been on my ass about making more money even though he, himself has had I don't know how many jobs since we've been together and he's now, making good money in NYC. Still, my part time teaching, pursuing my masters, isn't enough.
Then, just yesterday, my husband was at work and his father starts complinaing about the cat litter. He's never downstairs and shouldnt be because that's our space but still, he insisted that the cat litter smelled and then walks off saying, "Just making conversation."
At this point I packed my laptop, art supplies, and drawing I'm working on and I started driving, I ended up just going to my parents house. I'm here now as I type this and I'm contemplating leaving my husband and his family who I can't stand. I HATE living with them and I'm not sure who I feel about my husband right now. I'm really confused and don't know if I should try finding an in-patient program to stay at. If not that, then maybe thinking of just going somwhere for a week just to get away even if I'm broke.I may lose my adjunct job, but I can barley function right now and I've found no psychyatrist who can help me. My husband thinks that I drank too much with friends last night and that's why I stayed at my parents. To be fair I had taken 1 and a half miligrams of Clonopin. I needed it- I couldn't breathe.
Does anyone have any idea how they would get out of this mess? I feel so trapped and like there's no way out. I'm really scared