Sitting here, feeling relatively "good" this evening, I was struck by the notion of a different kind of behavior…one that seems to have been with me for a very long time, although not from childhood like my OCD in general….I guess it sort of "cropped up" somewhere in high school, and has "been with me" throughout all my later adolescence and adult life…and, I'm thinking it might be notable…..

As a young boy, I do not really ever remember a lot of "fun" and "laughter"…CERTAINLY NOT connected with my mother (who severely abused me…physically, verbally, and emotionally…at every chance she could), and with my dad…well, there's NO doubt how much he loved me, how much time he spent with me, and all the comfort and security he brought to me/gave me…he was truly a saint (and in truth the only model I had to "build" or base myself on when I started "building" myself or my life…whatever you wish to call it…..

BUT, I don't really remember lots of "laughter", joy, fun times, really…although I was happy and content (when around him, never my mother), so I knew I was loved, certainly. After he died (I was just over 10) certainly that was when the "dark" days were, when my mother had complete control over my brother and I, and there was no relief from her unceasing and negative "drone" 24/7.

Somewhere in high school, thre appeared something "new" in myself…a whole new "section" of me, or whatever you may wish to look at it as….whereby I discovered the "freedom" or "release" with the ability to laugh, to be funny, become a clown, if you will. People thought I was funny (but, not mother!, heaven forbid!) and so I "kept at it", and I got wilder and funnier, keeping myself and those around me in absolute gales of laughter, etc. Sometimes my cousins and I would be so "wound up" with this that we would literally laugh hysterically for hours at a time, even to the point that we just had to look at each other and we'd be on the floor again for a half hour at a time without even saying anything or doing anything to "keep it going". Naturally, this was a GREAT RELIEF to me, and certainly a GREAT RELEASE from all the other stuff going on in my life. So, no doubt it was/is healthy. I have always maintained that one must keep laughing…no matter what…that is how you keep your sanity, if you will.

The ability to laugh is a great gift…especially, I feel, if one can laugh at ones'self…and, so I do! While I am not a "party" person, I WOULD be the guy with the lampshade on his head, dancing in his underpants, etc. There are NO SACRED COWS to me! Actually, skewering the sacred ones are the most fun! There are/have been times that others just had to tell me STOP, or walk away, because I sort of can't stop, once I get on a really serious roll with this…just on and on, into absolute silliness.


NOW, the point of this…somehow, I have the feeling that this really was/is some kind of "safety release" so to speak from all the severity that was going on in my life (particularly after dad died)….

BUT, I am wondering if OCD is also playing a PART IN THIS, too, as it seems to be with every other aspect of my life….

So, I inquire and ask if others of you, out there, experience, or share this sort of thing with me, whether or not it is OCD related, stems from it, or is just a safety-valve from things, or what?




1 Comment
  1. bluebuddha 13 years ago

    -Hi! I\’m also having a problem seeing your posts…they just show up blank. The one above is lime green and against the white background…it\’s really hard to see. Maybe you could do them in a darker color. Welcome to the tribe and I look forward to reading your blogs.


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