So, I got this hammock. 2 actually, but anyway. I found that hammocks are so much more comfortable than a chair to sit in. And in a wierd sort of way more relaxing…more conducive to thinking…wierd, right?
But on another note, I'm still kind of anxious about school and everything. I know I shouldn't be, because everything will be just fine…but for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about it. And one of the things that's really scaring me are the thoughts that I can't really describe…they're not really racing, but they're just not normal for me.
And part of me gets more anxious the more that I think about being anxious…cause I don't want to be anxious…but then the more I think about it, the more anxious I get….it's like a broken record going off in my head and I can't find the off switch.
Like with the hammock…so relaxing if I let myself relax in it, right? But then I start looking at it, and I try to balance myself exactly in the center so that all the strings get even distribution of weight….then I start wondering if the hammock is going to come crashing down….And if it does, then what? And I know it's good and secure, because my bro and dad put it up. So, I know I shouldn't be worried/thinking those thoughts…but I do.
And I worry about how people view me. Maybe I'm paranoid….no wait, I probably am….but I always think that someone is going to judge me. Especially if I make eye contact with them. And it's so wierd, cause the other day, I was walking by some people, and they had stopped talking, and I swore up and down in my mind that they had stopped talking cause I was walking their way. I know it's probably not true….but that's me in my paranoid way. And I'm not sure what I should do about it. I think I'll probably call my case manager/doctor (I'm working through the governmental system in CA) tomorrow and ask her what she thinks I should do. I don't see my psychiatrist for another month or so…so, I'm kind of concerned about it.
I think that I've just been thinking and noticing the thinking WAY too much. Like I said, it's stupid stuff. Semi paranoid stuff. And I think that scares me.
On a lighter note, I got all my homework done early today and was able to really relax this afternoon…=) In my new hammock….