So, I got this hammock.  2 actually, but anyway.  I found that hammocks are so much more comfortable than a chair to sit in.  And in a wierd sort of way more relaxing…more conducive to thinking…wierd, right?

But on another note, I'm still kind of anxious about school and everything.  I know I shouldn't be, because everything will be just fine…but for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about it.  And one of the things that's really scaring me are the thoughts that I can't really describe…they're not really racing, but they're just not normal for me.

And part of me gets more anxious the more that I think about being anxious…cause I don't want to be anxious…but then the more I think about it, the more anxious I get….it's like a broken record going off in my head and I can't find the off switch.

Like with the hammock…so relaxing if I let myself relax in it, right?  But then I start looking at it, and I try to balance myself exactly in the center so that all the strings get even distribution of weight….then I start wondering if the hammock is going to come crashing down….And if it does, then what?  And I know it's good and secure, because my bro and dad put it up.  So, I know I shouldn't be worried/thinking those thoughts…but I do.

And I worry about how people view me.  Maybe I'm paranoid….no wait, I probably am….but I always think that someone is going to judge me.  Especially if I make eye contact with them.  And it's so wierd, cause the other day, I was walking by some people, and they had stopped talking, and I swore up and down in my mind that they had stopped talking cause I was walking their way.  I know it's probably not true….but that's me in my paranoid way.  And I'm not sure what I should do about it.  I think I'll probably call my case manager/doctor (I'm working through the governmental system in CA) tomorrow and ask her what she thinks I should do.  I don't see my psychiatrist for another month or so…so, I'm kind of concerned about it. 

I think that I've just been thinking and noticing the thinking WAY too much.  Like I said, it's stupid stuff.  Semi paranoid stuff.  And I think that scares me. 

On a lighter note, I got all my homework done early today and was able to really relax this afternoon…=)  In my new hammock….


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