Long time…Busy as usual….thinking…talking… waiting…. watching…looking trying…defending, pretending, coping…yes coping How I cope and where it gets me…So long I shut down and did everything on my own…not as in taking care of me but dealing with myself internally and self medicating or whatever it took to stop the insanity…I never really saw it, maybe I did, no I did but damn when you do something for so long it becomes ingrained into your soul, a way of life.  Yeah I have my temper tantrums, clench my fists and stamp my feet.  Uh huh I evolve into a really mature looking 11 year old…Relationships…WTF are those….and when we find them in the middle of our world as it is now, how come I struggle to see the good in me, my first thought is always the "addict thought" and usually not a good one.  Second guessing is one of my favorite chores, but only when it pertains to me and my emotional or mental state ( or with a friendship etc..) but never with work…huh task oriented I suppose.  I made it til the first of the year it was a big goal for me.  After a 3 week break I will see mike h on thurs…(shrink) yeah kinda not good for michael to have that long of a break in between.  I have this base emotional plateau that I am trying to see if I can maintain but I have nothing to compare it too…Flashbacks of the past rear their ugly heads at times just even a glimpse can slam a panic attack down my throat at lightening speed.  Meds… yes I am on them now and yup I do believe they are helping…My network of friends has helped me through some pretty rough times…It seems that I end up in the right place just when I should be there…Life now is what I choose to make of it.  I can not force my will upon it and others anymore I just aint got it in me.  I have more than ample time on paper but when it comes right down to it I pack my days so full that there is barely room for anything else and once I get off track part of me stays in that mode and again that temper tantrum emerges…Spiteful at times but not toward others as much as toward myself…I can tear me down in a second and leave nothing else for anyone to say but stand there with their jaws agape.   Most of it untrue and unfounded some of it outright hateful …that started young…I recall being punished when I was about 7 and whatever the punishment was I thought it was not enough so I destroyed some things that I cared very much about….I am sure that those feelings came from somewhere else…but I seem to still do it today…that is a cycle I would like to break…I am tired,….I am Mike….I am an Addict/Alcoholic….

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