GenesisThe formation of something new

I am not quite a week sober yet. I last used on Wednesday, March 30th, 2011. Today is April 5th, 2011. I am 6 months pregnant and severely regretting any harm I may/or may have caused my family, husband, and unborn daughter. I am very clear minded and can think for myself.

Recently, I have used Ice. This is the last and only time I will ever touch it again. Before this, I have only used Marijuana and Xanax Bars. I never had touched this drug in my life, and it has made me have severe reprocussions. I had started to hallucinate, have very interrupted sleeping patterns, not realizing what is a dream and what isn't… It terrified me. I was terrified of losing my daughter and family more than anything, but also I know if I didn't do anything now, I might never stop.

I took my husbands advice and started staying at my father and step mother's house as a precaution. I wanted to be around a normal family, eat with them, feel the love that I wasn't feeling because my husband is in jail and will miss the birth of our first child. I was very scared and lonely, and started to use drugs as a crutch or another way to get out of my mind/get out of reality…

I will lose anything in my life with any meaning if I do not quit. I will lose my self-respect entirely. I will hate myself. I will let everyone else down around me including my family, daughter, and husband. I will become a horrible person and will not have any meaning to live other than getting high because no one else would be there for me then.

I have no choice except to distance myself away, pray to god for my strength every day, and for my daughter to be born as healthy as she can be, and to ask god for forgiveness, as well as my daughter and husband. I am very much looking forward to remaining sober and concentrating on being the good mother I know I can be/and the good mother this little girl deserves. I look forward to showing my family that I can do this on my own for the time being with little help. I want to be proud of myself as well. But most of all, I want my husband to forgive me, get out of jail, and come home to a family that we've always asked for, and now that god has given us this, will get.

Please god help me to remain sober. Please god keep my little girl safe. Please help me to show my husband I care too much about our relationship to destroy it in any way with horrible mistakes. Please give me a second chance at making things right and healing our entire family.

1 Comment
  1. tedders78 9 years ago

    I will pray for you.  God is there for you and wants you to be happy as well! 

    I relate to what you talk about- not wanting to disappoint everyone with my addiction (I could DIE!).  It is an aweful thought that addiction can (and has) ruined millions of lives.  I'm so sorry you have to go through the burden of addiction.  It is your cross to bear (we all have one… mine is addiction as well). 

    I hope I'm not stepping to far out to suggest that you go to a church and talk to a pastor whom you feel comfortable with.  Jesus uses people in your life (even uses members of this site) to help you… it is a gift that you feel remorse… remorse hurts but it is what will empower you to stop using! 

    I pray that you don't start using again.  I pray that your addiction may leave you and you begin to live a life you never knew existed.

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