Help me. something has happened. so i'm seriously losing my mind, or have already…. here's what's happened….i have like 40 something days clean this time, and ya it's an everyday challenge. i want to stay clean. but a few days ago, like a week ago, i started taking this new birthcontrol, and i'm not sure if this is the problem or not, but i need to put something i want to cry its happening right now. i think i might be going through something and i'm so scared. i dont know if it's me, it could be me? but i'm so FUCKING paranoid i need some1 right now here to help me go to work. i've been having issues leaving the house, i leave the house to go somewhere, i get outside and turn back around and goback in . it's happened several times lately. i get so paranoid and freaked out. i go to my therapist every wednesday morning. she picks me up because i don't drive. i've been having nightmares about her. i had a dream she shaved her head and we were in the car and we almost ran over someone and then almost hit a tree. it's tuesday night that i had a dream she was laughing like a madwoman or a possessed person, and i woke up and called her this morning telling her i couldn't make it this morning. i've been having nightmares about work and messing orders up and getting lost and not knowing where to take drinks. THESE dreams seem so real, all colorful and shit. and all i want to do is sleep man. i'm so scared. i don't want to go to work guys. i don't want to leave my house . i haven't been good at going to meetings either, i get so nervous walking and i think people are talking about me. this is like new to me, to a level, i mean i've always delt with it, but it's getting worse. like super worse man. the dreams and shit, omg i can't deal.i ve been thinking weird man. maybe i am a paranoid schizophrenic? maybe? i'm so scared. maybe it's jus the birthcontrol? i'm so alone. i sit here i live alone and my mom doesn't care about me. i could quit my job and die up here huh, i thought of these things. i'm falling down.. something in my mind isn't wired right right now. i need help. these dreams are so real and i've been known to have dreams that happen. i'm wondering, honestly, if my disease, which i believe is the devil, isdoing this to me???? he's altering my mind.  i'm stuck and i don't wanna go anywhere. i gotta be at work in an hour and i've seriously never been so frightned lol i've been working there for a year and i mean i'm always a little paranoid, but it's def. getting worse. maybe it's the birthcontrol, but honestly, i've been noticing the parania getting worse for months now…. i don't even have any friends. i got in a conflict with a girl at work because i never want to go anywhere. i don't like people i guess. i like being alone, i love myself lol but hate myself at the same time. i live in a fantasy world. it's getting scarier. and the craziest thing is that i wish someone was here for me that understood that could help me go outside and be ok and tell me it's ok. i want to be ok. i don't wanna use, because using is what i'm trying to quit ya know, that's probably why i'm this way in the first place. i miss heroin it made my thoughts stable, except my life wasn't. my life is pretty stable right now, except these thoughts, that i deal with, are becoming worse and i don't know, but i think people are catching on to me, thati am getting sicker. i need to go see a doctor huh.. lol anyways although i'm all freaked out to share this. i'm gonna submit it because i need to tell some1, because i can't keep it a secret anymore, it's affecting my life and my recovery. thanks =) peace


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