Have you ever felt out of control in your life? Have you ever felt you couldn’t control a single aspect of your life?
I wonder if there is a healthy way to "get back in control." There most likely is, I just can’t think of it at the moment. I realize I spent the last best years of my life depressed. I was safe as a minor as an adult…I hate it! I’m not on my own yet but most likely will be, insurance wise, in a few years. I’m terrified. I’d hate to see one hospital bill from a shunt revision…I seriously doubt they’re cheep.
As I take a break from writing this, I understand how futuristic my problems are. My grandma, she’s deaf and almost 82, moved in with us. She has several aliments, I don’t want to say illnesses. She’s accomplished so much, at least in my eyes. She reads lips very well, she speaks clearly. I admired her as a child and I admire her as a young adult. But I hear her children complain–she often does the same–but she’s their mother and older. I’m sure several people can agree and disagree with both points of view.
On top of that, my brother has a fever. It seems things like this pop up during the weekend. Of course Dad is worried it’s swine flu. I’m sure that made my brother feel great.
Am I in the wrong about how I’m feeling toward my grandma and brother? Am I being selfish in worrying about my future?
It’s sh*t like this that makes me think dark things. Family is everything to me. Losing one is like loosing a part of myself. Maybe it is selfish, at least I’m not vocalizing it. Maybe that’s a good thing.
My one time haven is starting to feel like a hell, once again. What do you do when a haven becomes a hell? Find another haven? HA! My lack of will power and antisocial behavior put up big thick barriers in that. Along with my internal voice.
I’m angry with myself for spending good years being depressed. To visit an old friend, no matter how harmful, seems like a haven at the moment.


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