I feel it coming…
Like im sliding down a hill backwards in the slippery mud. I scrable to keep my footing, but its too slippery. The rooted thoughts I grab at are pulling out of the bank leaving gaping holes in the mud. I am not ready to fall into the revine. I feel like i just climbed out. Just reached the top.
It truly sucks to feel good for a week then feel yourself starting to feel down. I notice that the feel good thoughts are starting to change to doubt. The goals and motivation fading. The irratability and insicurity setting in. Starting to feel exhausted even though I am sticking to a decent schedule. Getting overwelmed by simple rutines. Loosing appitite and outlook in pleasurable things. If I try to fight it, then I find I am dwelling. I try to ask family for advice and get chewed out for sweating the small stuff. Its not small when it becomes all consuming. How do you stop it before it explodes in darkness? How easy for them to say its normal to have down days. When for them it is just a day or two but for me lasts months. Is it the bipolar or is it just life? How do I protect them and myself from the depression if I dont know how to stop it? How can I stop it if I dont know whats causing it? Is it a personality flaw or bipolar that causes me to take a mole hill and turn it into a mountain?
I guess some hystory would help. I was daignosed bipolar 2 three years ago. Confirmed this past July after another stint in phosp. Bounced from med to med. Nothing seemed to help. So i quit the meds. What if it was the medication causing the depression? I had to try. October I came off most of the medications in a three week period. It was rough but I succeded. Then I was told that I was not bipolar but add by pdoc chosen by family.
OH NO….new med…new diagnosis? Turns out that was not the case. Never took crack before but pretty sure thats the best way to describe the way the medication (vyvance) made me feel. Took depression to a whole new level of amped impulses I could not control. Quit it right away before I ended up either bashing my head into the wall over, and over, and over, or ended up back in the phosp. Took a few days to recover from that.
Then out of the blue this wonderful feeling over came me. Energy…wow. Thats new. Oh? Happy thoughts and lots of laughter. Could it be? Was I normal after all. A wonderful week of the old Dawn. The energetic, bubbly, soccer mom was back? I ran with that. It was exhilirating.
So what happened? Why am I starting to feel like a yo-yo. Why now am I waking filled with anxiety and saddness. Where did that wonderful energy go? Why is the horrible insicurities feeling me up with doubt? Is it bipolar? Am I over reacting? I dont want to make this worse than it really is. Do I just pray its a little mood that will pass quickly? Should I worry its a sign of an episode? I am at a loss! I just dont know what to do.