I guess I usually don't think much about my ex husband.  I feel guilty when I think anything about him at all.  I really shouldn't. It isn't as if I hate him.  We just didn't work out.  He's a good guy, but so many factors played a huge role in that relationship ending.  It should have been nothing more than a serious college relationship to learn from, but I married him because I wanted to be married and I truly thought he wanted to be married to be because the whole wife and kids things was a big part of the picture he wanted to paint.  You never imagine yourself ending it when you wanted that relationship to work out, but if two people come from different worlds and they also don't want the same things…. it's really hard to make that work.  I figured it'd be best not to wait until we'd been married 20 years until I said okay this is not working.  Now here I am totally in love with my fiance' and I know things will work out, but I guess I've matured a little and I realize that sometimes compromise sucks big time.  Sometimes compromise breaks your heart and makes you wish you could live past it.  I want kids so bad that sometimes it's extremely hard for me to see that maybe I should finish school first.  I guess it's unbareable to see people younger than me with way less accomplished who have or are having beautiful children and I'm filled with excitement for them but my heart breaks each time I have to talk to or see anyone who has kids.  I was born to be a mom.  I am definitely a go-getter and I want a career too, but no one in the world would know that I'd be absolutely satisfied if the only thing I was ever good at was being a mother and a wife.  I don't care about money struggles…. although I know they can be a pain in the rear.  I just know that when I see people who are 15 pregnant and somehow making it work and have way less opportunity than I do now…. why not me?  Why is it that I am stuck having to wait…. again.  I am just blowing off some steam here.  I can't talk to my man about it so I have to talk to someone and I just feel comfortable talking to people I don't know and won't ever meet in real life.  Seems chicken Sh&& maybe, but hey… whatever therapy works right.  Anyways…. I should be getting to bed soon.  I gotta be up early to work.

…. until next time….