one forum i read and posters there have in the past actually encouraged me to post more which made me really happy because of how incredibly self concious i am about those things. but since then i think, like i did before, that i don't fit in, and need to stop, and i can't keep up. i feel like every time i try to post im being scrutinized by someone or myself and it drives me nuts. the last few times i posted i feel like i was immediately attacked or rebuked. and i know im not speaking like they are. what i say isnt organic, its all plotted. im not talking, im not expressing thoughts in a conversation, its a stamp, im talking to mostly myself. im puzzleing other things into a plastic prop-up post to prove to myself i can. im done posting my thoughts anywhere but a journal, i dont have the capability.

on tumblr i already stopped talking period and only post images. people follow me but they dont care about -me- becaus ei keep myself out of it. when i say things i regret it and end up editing multiple times, and finally wishing i never wrote it. on twitter i feel like i have nothing to say ever anymore. im changing some medications and i know i have it in me, somewhere, to be interesting and have thoughts but not now. i want to make internet friends like other people do, but i have nothing to say to them…i dont talk. im creepy. i don't talk much in real life or internet except to these blogs. on instant messager i have only a couple people i talk to now, i used to have so many. i feel like i fail when i talk to them. a new psychiatrist says i have mania.

  1. Orchid 12 years ago

    "i feel like i fail when i talk to them."

    What do you mean by that? You're just talking to people. No one is that important and you don't have to keep up with anyone. If you say something stupid or silly who cares.


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  2. elililly 12 years ago

    but its really important to me that i have people to talk too, so i try really hard. like i dion't want them not to have a bad experience or to be annoyed. instead of being myself 100% of the time? does that make sense? i try to please people, it's a problem.

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