I have definately had a roller coaster ocd day. This morning I had a really good first few periods with my kids. I was joking with them, learning was fun, then the recess bell went. I went to the staffroom to get some coffee and hang with the other teachers, and noticed the newspaper. I read a story about a man who had been beaten up in jail by two inmates and he was now unable to talk and almost brain dead. During my worst times, I catastrophize and I see myself in this exact situation. I have even had nightmares about being in jail, in a tiny cell, and being beaten up by inmates.
I tried to resist the compulsions but I failed. I e-mailed a few people, and texted my wife and sister. Instead, I should have read the story again and again until I got bored of it. The rest of the day went pretty good. Then I got in my car, and the license plate thing is killing me. "If you don't get that plate number you will act out on your violent thought." Today I was finally just able to say shut up and drive home.
I have had triggers like news and violent movies in my life for years, but lately, they seem to almost initiate a total complete panic attack. It is frustrating, because I have increased my meds, I am working out, trying to stay busy. Today my books came in the mail. I got Rewind, Replay, Repeat, When in doubtm make belief, and it'll be ok. I am going to start reading them and listening to my exposure scripts everynight.
I think a main problem for me lately, is I maybe am having difficulty accepting that I have a mental disorder. It seems like a lot of people can just say "it's not me, it's my ocd," and that eases anxiety. I have a lot of trouble doing that. I get new obsessions, new compulsions and then get the thought "see, it's really you, not ocd." Today I was at a light and I just said to myself "Donnie, you have a mental disease, your thoughts are not you." I don't know if this was a for of self-reassuring, but for that one minute… it seemed to help.