I doubt anyone will ever read this. I have this consuming urge to cut my wrists. It has been a year since I cut but I normally think about it everyday. Today its unbearable. I just want to feel the slice of the blade digging through my skin. Watching the blade tear away my flesh. Having the blood pour out. It's like exhaling after nearly drowning. It's a wave of relief. My heart is beating so fast and my body aches because I want to do it so bad. I know I shouldnt. I know I dont want the scars. I know I dont want the looks from people. But right now I what I want is completly different then what I know. All I want right now is that immediate relief. I have been fucked over by so many friends and so many guys and so many family members I almost cant stand it. Any time I let my guard down and think a person can be trust worthy or be a true friend they prove just the opposite. Any time I get my hopes up they just crash down. I honestly dont know what to do. I know the moment I cut I will feel 100 percent better. But what about tomorrow. Do I really want to go back to only wearing long sleves? Do I really want people to judge me and think I am psychotic? But then I think whats the point. Do I really care if someone thinks I'm psychotic if they are just going to fuck me over in the end? No. I need someone to talk to so bad. I feel like if I go back to my therapist he will just think I backtracked and lost all the progress I made. Or say something stupid like "well at least you are resisting the urge to cut, thats a step", It's not a fucking step when I can hardly breathe I want to do it so bad. I think I'm losing it.