I doubt anyone will ever read this. I have this consuming urge to cut my wrists. It has been a year since I cut but I normally think about it everyday. Today its unbearable. I just want to feel the slice of the blade digging through my skin. Watching the blade tear away my flesh. Having the blood pour out. It's like exhaling after nearly drowning. It's a wave of relief. My heart is beating so fast and my body aches because I want to do it so bad. I know I shouldnt. I know I dont want the scars. I know I dont want the looks from people. But right now I what I want is completly different then what I know. All I want right now is that immediate relief. I have been fucked over by so many friends and so many guys and so many family members I almost cant stand it. Any time I let my guard down and think a person can be trust worthy or be a true friend they prove just the opposite. Any time I get my hopes up they just crash down. I honestly dont know what to do. I know the moment I cut I will feel 100 percent better. But what about tomorrow. Do I really want to go back to only wearing long sleves? Do I really want people to judge me and think I am psychotic? But then I think whats the point. Do I really care if someone thinks I'm psychotic if they are just going to fuck me over in the end? No. I need someone to talk to so bad. I feel like if I go back to my therapist he will just think I backtracked and lost all the progress I made. Or say something stupid like "well at least you are resisting the urge to cut, thats a step", It's not a fucking step when I can hardly breathe I want to do it so bad. I think I'm losing it.
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Since I'm not a cutter, I'm not sure if there's anything I can say that would help you, but I'll try.
First off, it's wonderful that you were able to go a whole year without cutting. Give yourself kudos. This shows that ultimately you're determined to get better even in the face of adversity. Keep reminding yourself of this.
Do you meditate or anything like that? If not, maybe lie down, take some deep breaths, and try to relax and concentrate on something enjoyable.
I know you've probably heard all of this a million times before, but try to hang in there. The urge WILL pass. When life seems unbearable, try to take it one minute at a time, or even one second at a time. I'll be thinking of you. It's a terrible thing when you've been treated like shit by so many people in your life. But remember that people on this website really do care, and we're all here for each other.
I hope this helps, if only a little bit.
Hi, although Ive never been in your "shoes" I feel the need to write something. Several years ago I worked with someone who was a cutter. She also felt the same way about her therapist so she changed to another one (she had been with him for 8yrs) and found that her new therapist was more sympathetic to her needs. She also went online and found a group where theres others like her who are experiencing the similar urges. We lost touch because I got another job and lost contact with her shortly after since she got layed off. Perhaps looking for a support group may help. It must be very hard what you are going thru and I really hope those darn urges "leave you alone". I wish I knew a way to help you. Stay strong and keeping positve people in your life will hopefully help you. My depression has been way better since I kicked out some awful people who I thought were my friends out of my life.