As I may have mentioned before, what I'm experiencing is probably the worst episode of depression I've ever had.  I imagine it is because of the life changes and the fact that I am not in counseling anymore.  So, I'm experiencing some symtoms that I've never really had before.

I talked about the time I went through a painful episode when I was 14 and I had weight loss and would cry all the time.  When I was 19, I had another episode that lasted for about a year, off and on.  This was triggered, again, by a breakup.  During this one, I gained weight, cried a lot and became really withdrawn.  I've always been a shy person, but this is when I feel I actaully started to purposely isolate myself. 

The next time I had a major episode was when I was 21.  This was fueled by a very brief but very traumatic relationship with someone I barely knew.  Though this was probably the most traumatic experience of my life…the period of major depression didn't last longer than a few months.  I lost weight, became very withdrawn and felt physically sick (nausea and stomach problems mostly).

Now I find myself depressed again…I'm not in an unhealthy relationship but I've had irregular work and irregular income for going on 2 years.  I was offered a job at a newspaper that I thought would end my problems..but, as luck would have it, the newspaper laid off all the new employees after a week. 

I've lost weight, I won't sleep at night but will sleep long into the morning, I have migraine headaches, I cry all the time, I'm withdrawn, I clench my teeth without realizing it, I have vivid suicidal thoughts.

I also have been having these horrific nightmares.  They are extremely disturbing and when I wake up from them I am afraid to go back to sleep.   Last night I dreamt that I was sharing a bed wtih two men and whenever I fell asleep they would wake up and cut me with knives and various weapons.  I would fight sleep but would ultimately drift off and wake up to the men mutilating me with knives.  They would make little cuts in patterns or scrape off pieces of my skin, they wouldn't do anything that would kill me but they seemed to want me to bleed as much as possible. 

The other night I has a dream that I was walking down the street and I saw a little girl get shot by police officers.  They killed her and blood flowed down the sidewalk she was on.  Later in the dream, the girl's family asked me to babysit their other children.  One was a healthy little boy, two were babies who were very thin and frail looking.  They mother claimed she adopted them to replace her daughter.  She was also pregnant.  As I was taking care of them, I glanced out the window to see two horses pulling a cart which held a coffin.  In the coffin was the little girl, covered in blood, her body only taking up about 1/4 of the coffin. 

I want these dreams to stop because it's making my insomnia worse since I'm now afraid to sleep.  I don't watch horror movies or read scary books, so I don't know how my mind is thinking of this stuff….