We were together for a year. During that time I really improved as a person, I stopped smoking weed, I was getting better at being honest and for once I had someone I could really talk to. I was really happy but I didn’t make any efforts to make my own friends or develop my own life—I was just piggy backing off hers.
When we broke up I had mixed feelings, it was clear to me we weren’t meant to for each other but I wasn’t ready for it to end. At the same time, I was excited at the opportunity for meeting someone I really clicked with, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I didn’t make one friend when we were together, and now that she was gone I was alone once again (talk about neediness).
I relapsed pretty hard into my smoking habits and replaced the pain with THC induced apathy. It couldn’t replace the gaping hole of emptiness inside me though; eventually I put down my pipe and tried to address the problem. I ended up going home for a week to clear my head, I hung out with old friends and had a great time—I felt like I was worth something again. I wasn’t thinking about my broken past relationship and I was looking forward with hope, unfortunately I let my ex back into my heart.
After coming back from vacation, she saw the change in me and didn’t like it. She started calling me and chit chatting like old times. I knew trouble was brewing but I figured since I’d already been burned once (check my old blogs) I wouldn’t let it happen again. Ugh. Retarded. She only wanted what she couldn’t have, and while I was enjoying her attention I developed a hopeless crush. Once she realized I didn’t forget about her, she left me high and dry, I knew we wouldn’t get back together.
My lack of a social life was really getting to me. I felt isolated, lonely and depressed. I had no one to confide in and my only friend wasn’t even a true one—I knew she kept up the façade just so I’d hang out with her kids. It was a pretty shitty feeling.
So she invited me over last night to play with her kids, which we unofficially do every week. It was fun, I really miss those boogers. Anyway, we put them to bed and decided to watch a movie and have a drink. We started to drink and caught up a little bit, I didn’t have much news but I listened.
As we kept drinking she started coming onto me, I was flirting back a little just for fun but she wanted more. She went into the bathroom for a minute then came out naked, god she looked good. She really wanted some, but I told her I wasn’t going to have meaningless sex with her anymore—I was done with that. Woot! Big progress right there. It took some willpower to turn her down, but in reality I knew if I had sex with her, I’d only end up feeling more alone.
I spilled my guts about how frustrated I was that I hadn’t made any friends and how I have no life here in the city. I probably sounded like a bitch, but I needed to vent to someone and even if she wasn’t wearing clothes she still heard me out. She wished I could hang out with her and her friends, but we both knew that it would just be too weird.
As we both sat there, for some reason I asked her if shes met anyone yet. I knew I wasn’t ready to hear the answer but I had to know, it was killing me. She looked at me for a moment and said yes. She’d found “a nice enough guy” but they haven’t “gone all the way” yet. She reassured me that I was bigger than he is, I couldn’t give two shits about that. She asked me if I was really ready to hear the details, but I said no… it was stupid to even bring it up to begin with.
Its heart breaking, I don’t blame her for moving on—in fact I envy her for it. I wish I was in her shoes; she has so many options with so many different people. I think I’m done writing for now :-/
I’ll finish up with another blog later.