So I just feel really stupid right now. Stupid, mad and upset really. There is this guy that I met and I don’t know why but there is something about him that I like. I don’t mean like… a relationship or friendship. I don’t know what it is really. However, I do know that he probably shouldn’t be in my life. I started school and so far I did something I never thought was possible or at least in my future, but I guess it was. I made a friend. Her name is Emily, I call her Em. She is from Germany and is two years older than me. We’ve like connected or at least trust each other to the extent that we are planning on being roommates together. Both of us want to move out of our homes with our parents (not lives just homes). It’s her first semester in the United States. I try to look at only the bright side of this but I can’t. I think about how far she’s from and how that’s how far away I have to look for to find a friend and stay friends. It makes me feel kind of sad. I try to make friends but… I don’t know. It’s just not working. I know I can be socially awkward but I try not to be. Em is really cool and chill about things. She accepts me exactly how I am and everything. I really like that about her. I told her why I was suspended from school, that I’m a cancer survivor, that I have a crazy family. And so far she accepts me. She’s really cool. I’ve never met anyone like her to be honest.
But, I don’t want to drive her nuts and I know she likes a guy and she has a life too. I completely respect that and everything. But I’m still kinda lonely when I’m not with her. I don’t know… it’s like a hole. I’m stuck but I don’t know why I should or want to leave. I go to school trying to look my best and have a great attitude about it and try to make friends and other stupid stuff like that. All to only make one friend that I see twice a week for about three hours total. Aaron finally looked at my messages and for some reason decided to text me back. He asked when I wanted to chill. I asked him if he was going to ditch me again because a while back we planned to hang out but he never came to pick me up. Later that day he texted me that he was at work and that he was sorry. Since then this is the second time he looks at my messages. It felt good that he was responding to me so quickly, but then for a second I forgot that I was suppose to text him back. I was texting another friend who texted me at the same time Aaron did. I was telling him that how happy I was that Aaron out of everyone on my contact list was texting me. But then, it was about 5 or 8 mins since he sent me a text. I forgot to answer back and when I did…. since then I’ve been on delivered again. I kinda hope we hang out tomorrow. He makes me feel …. I don’t know. Something else than stuck. The only thing that worries me though, is if he wants to do anything…. you know…. needing consent. I mean, I guess I’m fine with it, but people are always saying it’s like something sacred. What’s so sacred about it? It’s just a feeling isn’t it? The reason I think this is because he sleeps around a lot with girls. I know this because we went to the same alternative school when I got suspended. He would talk about them in class. Talked about doesn’t worry me too much because… I don’t know his friends. Even though we’re the same age, he is still in high school. So how bad could it turn out?
I don’t know. I kinda just felt like telling someone even though maybe no one reads it because I write to much. Or you guys think I’m crazy. Oof and now that I remember, I’m thinking about telling my mom this next week that I’m into girls. I really don’t know what she is going to say. I mean she isn’t against gays but… she doesn’t think about them differently. Even if she says she doesn’t…. the way she talks about us, it makes me feel like we’re different in a way that it’s like she thinks it something shameful. I don’t know though, I’m just typing what I think. I’m a little scared, but I mean I don’t think she’ll kick me out or anything. So I just gotta “women up” and tell her straight, or well the opposite. lol Then in about 4 months, I’m going to tell her that I want to move out. *Sigh* Wish me luck. Thanks.