So I just noticed that I may have a patter going on here.

The last couple of posts were posted in July of last year. Well, like last year around this time, I became very depressed. It was so bad and I was so desperate that I sat in my room one night, locked the door, and began to take the perscribed panic attack pills two at a time. I was at eight when my fiance broke into my room and realized what I was doing and took them away.

I reached a point where I felt like no one cared about me and I just wanted this feeling to go away. I wanted to be with my Dad. I wanted to see him. So I had this idea that if I took a lot of those pills I'd either get close enough to death that I could see him and talk to him and have him hold me and tell me everything was alright and be able to come back and handle everything in life better or I would die. At that point I really didn't care or think about the possibility of death. I just wanted to see and be with my Dad.

After that my fiance took my pills away from me and stayed with me and just kept an eye on me. It took me a few days before I told my Mom what had happened. She was upset and she too started to keep an eye on me. I did a lot of crying, staying awake at night, sleeping a little at a time.

So this past week I finally made an appointment to see my phsyicatrist and explained everything that was going on. He told me it was something that I probably had to just 'think through'. I couldn't believe he was just going to let me go like that. I was desperate! I began to cry and express how tired and desperate I am and he decided to up my medication and gave me a new perscription to help me sleep at night. So far, the medication for sleep has worked. I am so relieved. The anxiety that came with the insomnia was just extra weight I had to carry. But now I think I'm doing better with that now. And it's easier for me to deal with my fiance working all nights this week. If I hadn't gotten anything for sleep I think I would be a mess right now. I was really getting anxious about it.

I know this is probably all coming along now because it's close to many anniversarys. I'm just needing to take it one day at a time and focus on getting better.

I hope things will get better soon.