Next!

I saw my therapist again in September. I hadn't seen her in 3 months, so I mostly filled her in on the exposures I was working on and generally how life was going. She asked me if I had thought more about going to Rogers Hospital for their intensive ocd program. I had even talked with a guy on the phone who went there to get more details and first hand account. [br] [br]

It sounds like they do good work there, but it sounds like just a faster version of what I'm doing on my own. And I don't want to give up control of the process. I can do ERP at home for free at my pace. I just haven't gotten any sense that they would do anything different than I do now. She says it'd be different, but can't give me any examples or specifics of how. Whatever. That's a whole other blog. [br] [br]

So as we're finishing up, she asks about scheduling our next visit. She won't give me what SHE thinks is wisest, so I say how about another 3-6 months? I really only come see her so that she can fill out my disability paperwork at this point. I haven't really gotten anything out of a session in a really long time. Not for lack of trying. [br] [br] Over the 2 years I have been seeing her I have  asked, begged, demanded more information or skills or techniques or lessons to help me. And it always came down to "just do it" and "the anxiety will come down". There was nothing more to it. I don't know how many times she said "I don't have a magic bullet to make it go away". No duh! But do you have any guidance to help me even start an exposure? All this talk about how we can learn skills from our therapists to help us, yet when I flat out ask for training in these skills I'm told there are none?! And yet it's important for me to come see you again in 2 weeks?! Why? Sometimes she would say we could do exposures. Well, for me I'd have to bring something, which would mean I'd be 20 minutes into tne exposure by the time I even got to your office. And what will she do while we do the exposure? "I'll help you." Ok, so by doing what? Apparently just checking my anxiety level and being there as moral support? Whatever. I could write a whole blog on my frustrations with therapy, but that's not the focus of THIS blog. [br] [br]

Anyway, returning to the present session: So she gets this look on her face kinda flustered and says how maybe we should stop meeting cuz if I'm no longer getting anything out of it, then it's not ethical for her to basically waste my time and hers. Paraphrasing, but that's the main idea. [br] [br]

Um, I have been telling you that I get nothing out of these meetings for many many months now. But it's just suddenly dawning on you? Like some kind of epiphany? In a way I'm kinda hurt cuz it's like now it's HER saying the meetings are pointless when I was saying that before and yet ignored. But because SHE now says it it's true? It's almost like her last goal was to get me to go to Rogers and now that I've refused, she's done. [br] [br]

I'm probably making her sound horrible, and she's not. She was very patient with me and helpful in the beginning. It just became non-useful once there was nothing more for her to teach me. I felt it was still good to have check ins for my medical records and disability filing.And maybe she'd have some nugget of wisdom to share (ever the optimist?)[br] [br]

It just felt weird for her to decide it wasn't necessary for us to meet anymore. Guess it's like if you're gonna breakup with someone, but they dump you first? Not exactly, but kinda….. [br] [br]

So that was my last therapy session. She invited me to make an appointment any time I needed and she was proud of my progress. We left on good terms. All good. It just seems weird….