So here I am again…my heart in my stomach and feeling like I want to scream, cry, and gouge my eyes out, but I have to keep it all inside…ever since Eric, my fiance (for now), has gotten this new job, my OCD has taken a nose dive and has only spiraled downward from there. I can't stop thinkin, picturing, and obsessing over this one girl who I know he works with, named, KRISTIN…even as I type her name, my mind is telling me that I'm jinxing it, by saying and typing her name and TALKING ABOUT HER. I went as far today as trying to find her on facebook…i didn't find her, and I think thats a good thing…but I felt like such a psychopath afterwards.."No wonder he's going to leave you for her," my mind tells me. The reason why I worry about her in paticular is not totally clear, I've never met her before, but one of the reasons is because he works with a small group of people within this company and she's one of the only girls in it…also the first day that he came home from work, (he knows me and I guess read my mind), he goes, "And you'll be happy to know that there ARE girls there, but they're all morbidly obese and the only one who I think YOU WOULD WORRY ABOUT, is a lesbain anyway….well I find out later in the week that she's not a lesbian, because I asked him, and BOOM…so then when I said to him…why would "I worry about her," he said, well because she's the only normal looking one out of the other girls…she wouldn't be as easy for you to dismiss as not a threat as the other girls because the other girls are very butch looking…ok great. To make myself feel better, I go to my best friend who has OCD also, and usually is good with reasoning with me and talking me out of my thoughts…but latley he's just been making me feel WORSE….for example, tonight when I was talking to him, he said, "Oh Jess, there would be more obvious signs that he was cheating on you and or that he liked this girl, for example, he would be WAY too happy about his job, he would love it WAY too much," so I reply to mike with telling him that, that is one of the reasons why I'M WORRIED…becuase he's always telling me how much he LOVES his JOB….he's always going on about how fun it is, and that its nothing like his corporate job, and how he's learning all these new things, and when he comes home from work, he usually looks HAPPY…and that REALLY REALLY bothers me…so once again…micheal only had to say ONE thing and now I'm off on that tangent..that I do have proof. Eric and I have had a really rocky year…he couldn't find a job, I was having problems graduating from my college, then my family fell apart, then we moved into an apartment that we couldn't afford and had to move in with my father in his house, and so we've has it rough for a while…so I've been CONVINCED, since we moved back to this house, and ESPECIALLY since he got this new job, when I tell you that my OCD has been through the roof…I mean it. Then, I go to my best friend for comfort, and he makes me feel WORSE…he tells me all these different signs about how I would know if he was becoming "distant," and every sign that he told me, I'm pretty sure I can see…now I feel WORSE, and I try to do what my therapist tells me to do which is to "look at the evidence," like, for example, he WANTS me to meet his c0-workers, (even her), he is looking at houses with me online that this realator we're working with sends us over e-mail…but then when this weekend came around and we didn't go house hunting, my OCD JUMPED, because Micheal said that one of these signs that he was trying to slowly "part away," would be that he would say "Lets just not look at houses for a while," Well he DOES tell me that we're not ready to buy a house YET RIGHT NOW, but should be able to within the next couple months when he gets his full time and I have some type of job (I'm just out of school)…so I have that sign down too! Does anyone out there feel like this? Is anyone out there like me doing ok in thier relationship? or married even? I know I ask those questions a lot..but I can never hear from enough married ppl with my type of OCD that…I have a chance.

3 Comments
  1. anxiousinohio 10 years ago

    You are going to be ok Jess! 🙂

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  2. hancey 10 years ago

    Jess,

    "Been here.  Done that.  Didn't work."  You mentioned before that the only thing you have to go on are your SUSPICIONS (which, due to the OCD, are faulty and overblown), and you had decided to try going on TRUST for awhile to see if that was better.  This doesn't sound like trust to me.  Sounds like OCD.  But then, what would I know?  Gotta stop this stuff, girl. 

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  3. Jessealuvseashells 10 years ago

    It doesn't work…and I'm trying to trust him, but whats funny is that its not even necessarliy the "cheating," I'm worried about…I'm worried about him slowly falling in love with someone else and then eventually, trying to slowly part ways with me, becasue he found someone better.   This happened to me before, when I was 19, and my boyfriend of 3 years had this girl in his band who was "just a friend," and i trusted him…a few months later, he ignored my phone calls for an entire week and never called or contacted me and at the end of that week, i had found out that he was now with this other "just friend," of his.   Its happened to me before, and a lot of the time, i feel like the same thing is happeneing, i know that people can;t control thie emotions and so I'm afraid that if he keeps HANGING AROUND with this friken girl, well…history will repeat itself….i'm trying, and i don't let him know that half of what really goes on in my mind every waking minute of my day, i dont want to give him more of a reason to do what that other boyfriend of mine did to me…the worst part of that break-up?  that boyfriend told everyone, my friends included, that he left me because i was CRAZY and that it didn't have to do with anyone else, then a week later, he's with his "friend."  that scares me more than anything…

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