This doesn’t really have a lot to do with OCD.. just a general blah vent about yesterday.
Yesterday was my graduation party. Went pretty well. I hung out with my best friends, Clark, Justin, and Pat. And after the party we decided we’d spend the night at Pat’s. When Clark and Justin stay over I usually don’t get to being that I’m a girl and my parents say it’s wrong (even though the four of us have been friends since I was a sophomore, Clark since I was in 6th grade, and Clark and Pat are both gay.) And yesterday they caved and let me go.
First weird thing. I have this shirt that says “kiss me, im a pirate!” And it’s kind of our joke that every time I wear it Justin runs up and kisses me. Not like on the lips or anything, it’s no big deal, just silly. He drove me to pat’s after the party and clark and pat were already there. And when we got there he parked and the following conversation ensued (not direct quotes, going from memory after a long night)
“I’m going to say something, and you can feel free to completely disregard it, but I’m going to say it.”
“What if I want to kiss you for a reason other than your shirt..?”
I had no idea what to say. I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever even entertained the idea, even in jest, that Justin might be interested in me in that way. Never. The idea is laughable. We’ve been friends since I was a sophomore. He’s never, ever acted like he liked me. Once like a year or maybe even two ago he was trying to convince me to let the group go puttputt golfing and I said no, because, “I’m horrible. I’m so horrible I’m like one of those little kids where everyone goes ‘aw how cute, he’s trying to play too!’ only I’m not cute.” And he said, “I disagree, but that’s beside the point.” That’s it. That’s the only indication of anything, and he’s had girlfriends inbetween then and now. We’ve been good friends for years.. he’s like a brother.. an OLDER brother. He’s nearly 3 years older than me. He’s been 20 for a while now and I’ve got a month still before I’m 18. Three years isn’t a lot, but up til recently I was under the impression that he was starting to feel like he was too old to be hanging out with us anymore. That’s how he gets when he’s at school. And that too, he goes to college. It’s only 20 minutes away but still. I don’t know why, of all the girls there are at EMU, he’d like me.
So I said the only thing I could think of.
“I know, I’v sort of thrown you a curveball here.”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Ah well, I’ve gotten worse reactions.”
“I’m just.. surprised is all.. I feel like a deer in headlights, here. I never saw this coming even for a second.”
Then we went inside! And acted like everything was normal. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
But I didn’t have much time to dwell on it. We played around with World of Warcraft and watched a movie. And at about 4am I got REALLY sick randomly. My stomach started hurting and I had diarrhea, but I figured it’d probably go away so I just tried to make it seem like everything was normal. But then my stomach started BURNING. It felt like it was on fire. This happened once before, and the next step was violent vomitting. So I went into the room where everyone was and was like “okay I’m really sick, someone has to take me home.” So Justin grabbed my stuff and we went outside, and I started puking in the street. So I had him call my parents to come get me and I ended up sitting at the foot of pat’s neighbors driveway until my parents got there. I feel sorry for them. I tried to puke in a garbage bag but missed so they’ve just got this nasty garbage bag at the foot of their driveway.
So now I’m really embarassed. And I don’t know if we’ll have any more sleepovers at Pat’s, which makes me sad. That had the potential to be the most fun night ever had I not gotten so sick. They still had fun but I feel like I ruined everyones night. And I just feel so ashamed and humilated.
And I talked to Pat today and he’d thought it was my anxiety. The way my normal anxiety problem typically manifests itself is I get anxious and throw up, so he assumed that’s what happened. But it’s not, I was completely calm yesterday and actually only minimally affected by OCD. I was good yesterday. But if that’s what he thinks, and most likely that conclusion was the result of discussion between the three of them, because Clark is the only one that knows my anxiety that well, then I’m worried Justin might think it’s his fault or something. Or that he contributed. And I don’t want to talk to him about it. He was the only one who was with me when I started puking, and he was the one that had to call my parents and wake them up. Which is.. humiliating. Plus I don’t expect we’ll ever speak of what happened in his car before we went into Pat’s house ever again. I’m certainly not going to bring it up. He probably doesn’t like me anymore anyway with the way I reacted coupled with the fact that he watched me puke so much. Which suits me because I don’t think I’m interested in anything with him anyway, but still. I don’t know.
So it’s just been a very.. stressful.. weekend, I guess. I’m still embarassed over the whole thing and I’ve been in a depressed sort of crappy mood all day, and just thinking about what happened with Justin makes me think THE WORLD HAS GONE INSANE. It must have. Seriously.
Although, I’ve now not had a single straight male friend since high school began that hasn’t ended up interested in me in some way. Quite a boost in the self-esteem department. (Even if that is only three guys. lol.) However I’ve still never had a boyfriend. Methinks I need to try harder at collecting straight male friends.:bowl: