I've been off heroin since the spring of 2009, and I was doing so well with that, for so long. Now… I dream about picking up almost every other night. I never dream about actually getting high. I never really have. I just dream about trying to get my hands on it. That's always seemed odd to me.
The past few days, my mind has been completely cluttered with thoughts of falling backward.
Why is this happening? I haven't felt this in so long. Cutting my own throat would make more sense than picking up again. I would lose EVERYTHING. And, I don't think there'd be any Houdini escape act this time around. It's something of a minor miracle that I made it out the last time. I was years into that sh@t, and I had pretty much buried myself alive in it.
But, damn am I thinking about it. And, it's not just the high. I'm thinking about every damn thing about it. The anticipation of waiting around for it, and the calm that hits when you finally have the bag in your hand… the ritual of setting it up, and the satisfaction of seeing a flash, and knowing that you've hit a vein, and that all you have to do now is hit that plunger, and bam… you get to float away. No [email protected] pain, worry, or disappointment… the world starts to make sense – perhaps in the worst way, but that hardly matters, because it can't hurt you now.
I can't seem to feel anything good, or positive. There are good things going on. Achievements… opportunities… possibilities… I should feel alright. Hell, I've come so far I should feel [email protected] inspired. Instead, I'm feeling this [email protected] paralysis. This inability to enjoy anything good that I've managed to put together, as if the part of my mind that governs such emotions has just fallen asleep… that, and the absence of something that suddenly seems like it ought to be there.
So, now, I feel like hell, I am getting nothing done, and I am thinking about all the wrong things.
This is a time in my life when I need to get sh@t done, and make things happen. Just managing not to f@ck up used to be enough, but now… I actually have a chance to build a better life than I ever had before heroin. I have a chance to do something with myself. Why the f@ck is this happening? Why am I feeling so [email protected] up? Why can't I get this sh@t out of my [email protected] head?!