I'm terrified, I'm angry I don't know what to do….Why am I almost getting an obsession with suicide? Is this normal? is it because I have tried to take my own life once before? Someone tell me, someone explain because I have no idea! [br]
I want these thoughts to go away, I need them to go away, I don't want to leave my family behind…I love them so much. This fear of death seems to be taking over me…why is this? My mind is all over the place…I'm hiding behind a fake smile right now….well actually it seems to be a regular thing.[br]
Everyday I say I'm fine, I'm happy….But I'm not…there is something missing and I can't work it out…I just fee so lost…even though I have a boyfriend who gives me as much love as he can, I have an amazing family but still something doesn't feel right…I feel like I don't belong like I shouldn't be alive. If there is a god…Why doesn't he want me to be alive? is my strength being tested? Am I proving to be weak? even too weak to die? ….I hate that word…'die' [br]
U know I must be the most selfish person in the world….my self harming, my anger, my depression, my thoughts….Everything…I'm losing control, I can't control how I think, I can't control how I feel, I can't control how I react….I'm losing it…and at the age of 22…I don't even know who I am. who the fuck am i? [br]
Why am I not happy….I have a family who adore me, they would walk the earth for me….and for once in my life I have a boyfriend who adores me too….I've always wanted that….I've always wanted someone to love me….but I still feel like it's not enough! I don't understand…I'm so confused! I'm scared…so scared, I don't want to die yet I feel like I have too, like I'm supposed too…Why else do I keep thinking like this? My suicidal thoughts are getting more and more extreme…and I hate it…I wish these thoughts would go away! I don't want to leave people behind…I don't want to die! [br]
I love them too much to leave them….What if I'm meant to die before any of them though? …What happens when they die? Will I be alone? Will I never see them again? What if there is an after life….and I'm supposed to be there first? What happens if I'm too late? and I don't get there in time? ……It's like something is pushing me to die…Like I really shouldn't be here….What if this is all a sign? I have always been afraid of losing my family….is someone trying to tell me something before it's too late? I just don't know How am I supposed to know? I don't know what path to take!! Which way do I go? I fucking hate this…I hate it so much!