Hi everyone. I'm just going to be upfront, I have another account on this site. I am not trying to be deceptive to any of you, but protecting my privacy from a family member who has previously spied on me on this site. I am trying to get over an OCD hertle right now and blogging helped me so much when I first joined this site, Im hoping it will help me know…but I dont feel comfortable blogging on my old account, I hope everyone understands that.

While Im sure Ive had OCD quirks forever, it only became an issue about 3 years ago when I had my first baby. I dont take meds and I dont have a dr/counsellor. I have contamination issues, which are mainly undercontrol to a liveable level (from me doing exposure type things on my own)…except for my actual hand washing routine. The washing is a problem and I cant quite get a handle on it and it is very upsetting right now. My hands and lower arms are disgusting (dry, cracked, inflammed, scarred). It is embarassing and I am ashamed of this. Having 2 young children in diapers, taking care of the home and them all day…I have to wash alot for ligitimate reasons…but my OCD makes it so that I wash too long each time and use SO much soap..its ridiculous, there are certain amounts of repetition for hands and lower arms (depending on situation)…and then certain amounts of soap pumps until it "feels right" and I have what Ive always called "proximity issues" where OCD can convince me that I have touched something gross (ie toilet or garbage can or plunger) and then need to rewash. I know that I need to label the thoughts OCD, take one pump of soap, wash for 20 seconds and move on….but easier said than done. Maybe if I start blogging again and sort out some of my thoughts, and have other people to sort of be "accountable" to, I can make progress like I have in the past.

I am getting alot of grief from my mother when I talk to her about things as she is frustrated about my soap use…but mostly my husband. He is very stressful and upsetting for me, not only about OCD, but about everything. This marriage is a huge problem for me as it is my main source of stress and anxiety and thus makes OCD washing worse in response. Of course I deserve some of it, the soap habit is costly and wasteful and can be time consuming, but everyday I try my best, I really do, just its not quite working yet….probly because Im so overly focused on it.

Hope you are all doing well 🙂