Man, I have been doing pretty good the past few weeks, but the good old Sunday anxiety is creeping it's way back into my life. I've been sleeping outrageously large amounts of time and sleep has been troubled with dreams about events and people I thought I had laid to rest. My relationship with my husband is suffering and my work is suffering.
I'm reeeaaaally nervous because tomorrow I have an appointment schedulued at a local university to discuss their PhD program in Educational Studies. Here is what is running through my head: you shouldn't go, it would never work out, you don't have enough free time as it is, you wouldn't be able to handle the stress, you don't want to make a long term committment, you'd be scared being downtown because it is dangerous, another degree isn't going to get you a good job, etc. Thanks, Brain. I might just cancel. I seeme to have defeated myself already. It is something that I would like to do, but maybe right now is not the best time.
My work schedule has doubled in the past two weeks. Mind you i was only working part time before, but it is a huge lifestyle change for me. I took on one class that meets twice a week in the mornings and another class that meets Saturday mornings. For one, I don't have a weekend anymore, I have Friday and Sunday off, but not two consecutive days. I have NEVER been a morning person. When I have to get up early, the entire rest of the day and the day after is screwed up. When I have no responsibilities, my body returns to a sleep schedule of getting tired and going to bed anywhere between 4-6am and sleeping to about 2pm. Ever since puberty I have been that way. My internal clock just does not work like most peoples. With my new work schedule, I have to be up at 7am Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday so I spend even more time in bed trying to catch up on sleep. I can make it to bed earlier if I take sleeping pills and stay up during the day with the help of a lot of caffiene, but do I really want to rely on chemicals for that?
It wasn't such a big deal when my husband was on this same schedule, but over the yeas he has changed to a morning person, and he resents me for being a night person. He views me as lazy even though I get so much accomplished at night. So that is contributing to unhappiness between us. Also, I HAVE been really selfish the past few months. After my last panic attack in January, I decided that I really needed to focus on ME for a while. I started seeing a psychaitrist, spending a lot of time writing in journals, making art, and spending time with my nieces and nephews. Basically ensuring that there was always soemthing available for me to do that I got some enjoyment out of. For the record, it worked really well for anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But he feels left out, like his needs and wants are being ignored.
At least there are only five weeks until summer break. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I am really looking forward to it because of the rest, not having to plan plan plan, being able to do things I love outside like garden and fossil hunt, etc. But on the other hand I am really worried that none of the jobs I have applied to for summer work have called me back. Gotta make the bills or I am a loser!