Hello ! It's been like 6 yrs since I found out I have OCD. My OCD is mostly in my head, thinking, thinking, worrying, worrying. I live w/ alot of anxiety. I take 2 medications, 1 for my OCD and 1 for depression. I see my psycharist every 3 months or so. I have had my ups & downs. I hadn't been on here in almost a year until recently. Now I'm on every week. I think deep down I know my OCD has gotten bad. I have always been what I call high functioning OCD. I have been at my same high stress job for over 15 yrs. I cook in a resturant located in a high end resort. I have worked the breakfast/lunch shift for years. The cooking line I work on has 3 work stations. I have pretty much worked the cold station. I have a routine, a system, I like what I do. I can work all the stations and can jump in and help as needed. I have a doctors note so I always have 2 days in a row off and it also says that I can work no more than 45 hrs a week. There have been lots of changes over the past few months at my job w/ people leaving, new people coming in. I hate change. I have a new supervissor and I have very mixed feeling about him. He bought in a new guy who doesn't seem to know what he's doing after 4 weeks of training. My OCD is no sercret. I'm not afraid for the most part to speak up at my job. James ( my new supervissor ) keeps telling me to be patient, be a team player, that were only as strong as our weakest link. James confuses me alot. He will tell me 1 thing and say other thing claiming he never said the first thing. I have had to work a different station. It scared the crap out of me the first time. I had a talk a week ago w/ James and my major boss. They told me I'm one of the strongest and hardest workers they have. They told me not to worry and think so much, that I am good enough. I never feel good enough. I feel like I'm pretending to be this normal, strong person that family, friends and bosses/ co- workers think I should be. I call in sick alot to my job. I called in today because I was supost to train a new woman on my station and work w/ 2 newer guys on the line. I thought/worried about it all night. I am so scared I'm gonna lose my job and everything I have worked for because I can't stop thinking and worrying. I worry I'm gonna lose my house and than my boyfriend , our 3 cat kids and I won't have anywhere to live. I don't want to die. I have been down that road before. I just want to convince myself that I am a good person, that I am a hard worker. I want to convince myself that I can stop worrying that everything is going to be ok. For the most part, I like my life. I'm grateful for Tom ( my boyfriend ), my family, my friends, my job. Tom has been my rock for the last few years. Tom has been having his own rough few years. I support him, he supports me. He along with me wants more than anything for someone to give him a job, a chance. I know it would take some of the pressure off of me. I refuse to give up on him, just as he refuses to give up on me. The economy is just soo bad especially for a 40 something guy like Tom who has been out of work for a long while. I worry if I lose my job, I won't be able to find a new one. What will happen to us. I'm always so worried about today, tomorrow and the future. Why can't I just let it go ? Why can't I just believe, trust in myself ? Why is relaxing so hard ? Writting this long blog is helping me. To anyone who read this far, thank you. May peace find all of us and thank god for the ocdtribe.