I remenber my first months, year here. I was just diagnozed.
Before HIV my life was sucessfull, I had a great job and suddenly a bad turn into my life became into a nightmare that took years in recover. After my fianceé and baby's death I became a suicidal, and put myself into several risky stuff. Like walking in the streets hoping a car hit me. But in the enviroment I believed was a safe one I was raped at my ex best friend's home by his addict and alcoholic brother.
I now can say I hated alcoholics and addicts. All my life I was a quiet woman who became into an orphan very young, who worked 16 hours a day to raise my 3 sibblings, my baby sister died a few months after my fianceé.
After a false negative Elisa test I felt releived about HIV, but 3 years later I was dying in a hospital. The doctors made so many tests on me: cancer, leucemia, etc. Only one said: let's make her a HIV viral load test: I was a millionaire, and my CD4 was only 14: AIDS.
I felt like a weird bird in both worlds: HIV and not HIV. I spent all my life studying and working, a workoholic: 2 mayor degrees in 2 radically opposite careers, even taught in many universities and other institutions.
Now, I understand HIV people, I became in one, realized that addictions were only symptoms of deppression…
As all of us (at least the heterosexuals) I knew solitude was going to be my best friend. After several online relationships. I realized no man was going to be able to travel to a so far away country as Peru, and that Peruvian Law doesn't admit an HIV foreign because of marriage… so I left coming, left reading my messages in other sites.
Now my world is my room full of books and music, I'm already under retirement due to herpes zoster that put me in a wheel chair for almost 2 years, now I'm walking fine but still have to take some drugs to ease the leg's pain.
Now I wonder as always: Will my live continue as this? In a family racist enviroment. And know that many HIV+ don't like cultured foreign people. I'll have enough money these 2 coming years to have my own bussiness, maybe an online one.
But my question to the world is: Will I be a lonely person always? I've seen so many of my tribe friends getting married, being loved. But I'm so far away in a country where this virus is a big stigma and we are so little heterosexuals…… Who knows?
Now I can say: I'm HIV I'm not proud of it, I don't feel guilty about it: I just was in a bad moment with the wrong person. And will be a dislexic all my life.