Well, I thought having a job would help get my mind off of life. It's nice to be making money again, and I'm fairly busy — I help run a family owned business, and there's only a few of us, so we have our work cut out for us.
But… all I can think about is how meaningless this all is in the long run. I work, I make money, I live… but for what? What purpose is there? I know that question can never really be answered, except by: Find your own purpose. I just haven't found it yet. And I feel like I'm running out of time, for some reason. I know it's not true, I'm turning 21, so I have plenty of time.
That's another thing that worries me. Alcoholism is in my family. I am worried that if I start drinking, I'll never stop. I find myself wondering, would life be more bearable, more interesting, if I was drunk? Thoughts like that are scary for me. I've seen firsthand what alcohol can do to people — my grandfather was a physically abusive alcoholic, my uncle was (and still is) a verbally abusive alcoholic, and my aunt drinks because she can't stand her gambling husband and young kids. I know I could have it worse, and nothing was actually directed at me, but I've seen enough to know what alcohol can do to people.
Obviously not all alcoholics are abusive. I know that. And I know people who drink casually or socially and have no problems.
But I question my personal control. What if I start drinking and can't stop?
What if drinking somehow makes me a more creative writer? Then I'd never stop drinking.
I turn 21 in July and my mother and aunts are taking me to Las Vegas. There's no way I'm coming back sober, not with the three of them with me.
I've tried to speak to them about my issues, my fears, but as usual, none of them listen to little ol' me.
Lately, all I've been thinking about at home is this and my purpose in life. It's absurdly depressing, but I can't get my mind off of it, no matter what I do. I've been procrastinating — something I am really good at — on making an appointment with some sort of doctor. It's too expensive for me, anyway — I can't afford what my insurance wants me to pay to be able to see any doctor, let alone a specialist or something.