An endless supply of disappointments is a sure path to nowhere especially when you are expecting them.
Haven't been on for about half a year and I wish could tell myself in that in that time, times have gotten better. Sadly, that isn't the case. I have yet to fulfill any of my goals and improve my mentality.
I had foolishly dived into a relationship thinking she could help me spiritually. I bought into the lies that there was an understanding on a level that matched my lost love. I couldn't have been more wrong. Any illusions I had that she could complete me faded away as the months rolled on. A beautifully weaved lie I had lived and breathed in during those days at the cost of my best friends. After realizing my fault, I broke up with her and sought what I had cherished so dearly before. It's true you can really see who your real friends are when shit hit the fan. They easily understood what had occurred and don't place fault on me. I was overjoyed they did not resent me; however, I was filled with a horrible guilt for what I've done. I've never been the type to let things go especially when I should've known better as weak as a person I am. I see my actions lately are reflecting that guilt as of late, yet it never feels like it’s enough even after all these years. I know I do things out of guilt and since knowing I am doing precisely that for that reasoning makes it even worst. It just never feels right at all no matter what I do. All I can do is pour out this sincerity sadly because it's all I really know.
I don't know what I'm doing… I feel an emptiness that's welling up from time to time. I just think of ways of hurting myself day by day now. Even my dreams betray me as well. Dreams of people that I loved being snatched away. It's horribly frightening thinking about how alone I really am at times.