Good morning again friends…I hope everyone is off to a good start to their week.
For me last night was full of rolling and kicking the blankets off and trying to get comfortable ~ but it didn't happen until around 3 a.m., so I'm tired this morning. But I can take a nap later so I'll be fine. Lately I keep waking up feeling anxious and panicky for some reason. I hate that…it's awful to wake up full of adrenaline and fear. Wish I knew what was causing it.
Thank you all for your responses to my last blog. That one was hard to write because of several reasons. Growing up I was constantly picked at by my father because I didn't have the "ideal" body for modeling (he did amateur photography ~ which he used to pick up women) and that I was a little overweight. Hearing him talk about what a woman should look like always broke my heart. It still does.
In my pre-teens I started developing early, and at one point I was at after-care from school and all the boys that used to pick on me because I wasn't skinny surrounded me up against the fence. They wanted to see something they said. So one guy came up and yanked my shirt up to my throat and grabbed my breasts and started laughing in my face. "Nope…they're just fat too!", he sneered. As they walked away I pulled down my shirt andand turned my face into the fence and cried. I never told anyone there about it.
Unfortunately for me I became a "woman" at 12ish. I lengthened out, lost the baby fat, and suddenly was the center of attention for the older guys. I won't go into that part of the story because it's really ugly. Let's just say that's how I got molested in the first place.
Soon boys that had picked on me wanted my attention, but most of them never got any attention from me. By the time I was 17 I had started working out and slimmed down even more. I liked my body then. I was a size 11 (I've never been skinny, and doubt I ever will be, but that's fine with me) and met my husband because I caught his eye ~ he turned out to be the most wonderful man I ever met.
Aaron doesn't care about what I weigh. I haven't been that thin again since back in 2003. If it wasn't for his support and loving kindness I'd hate myself. Every woman in both sides of my family is overweight. The only one who escaped it was my Mom, and that's because she doesn't eat and runs around waitressing 5 days a week. I feared that one day that would be me. Well~ I think I'm facing that thin line (no pun intended) of whether I fight this or just give up. But the truth is I feel awful about myself at this weight, so I know I won't give up. I can handle not being thin ~ I like being curvy and somewhat soft (and so does Aaron) ~ but I can't handle having to go out and buy clothes2 sizes bigger than what I was in a matter of 2 months.
All that being said,I also know the reason for allowing myself to gain weight…although it's subconcious. See, being heavy means safety from men. If I'm found unnatractive, then they won't bother me other than a few taunts. It keeps me safe from their attention. Being fat = no rape. At least that's apparently what my mind thinks according to my therapist. So in a way, I'm afraid to be thin.
I've started keeping a daily calorie diary to monitor what I'm eating (only allowed1,250 -1,300 a day) and have stocked up on protein-rich foods and lots of fiber and water. I'm making this a personal challenge against my body. I'm not going to let the Abilify win, or my genetics.
We'll see how things go.
Thank you all for your support in this ~ it means the world to me. And thank you for caring about ME, not what I look like. With some time I'll get back to the picture of me on my page that says "healthy me". I wasn't skinny there, but looked pretty decent. That's my aim. Anymore would be just added bonus.
I wish you all a blessed day and ((Hugs)) as always… ~ Keya