I'm not sure when I wrote last, and if I wrote about falling out with a good friend; so I apologise in advance for possibly repeating myself.

I won't go into the full story, I'm far too tired and quite frankly sick of telling it. Needless to say, Friday night caused me terrible upset because a good friend who has chosen to fall out with me actively ignored me, and as much as I thought I could handle it, it hurt me so so much. At one point I tried to hug him, and he simply backed away and left me feeling like a fool.

On another note entirely, I have recently been speaking in depth about some of my problems with my father. He is my best friend and my hero, but over the past few years I have felt unable to speak to him – not because of anything he has done, but because I feel my problems are often insignificant and, for want of a better word; stupid. We spoke about my total inability to ever let anyone close to me since my past relationship fell apart, and how I have resinged myself to never feeling able to trust anyone else to that extent again.. which in turn has left me making peace with the idea that I may spend my life alone. This upset him, the idea that I had made peace with being alone. Like any good father, he simply wants his little girl to be happy and looked after, to have a wonderful little family and a partner to laugh with and share memories with. I spoke about my inability to even entertain the idea of ever letting this happen; my utter fear of being hurt again and the impossible task of dealing with that rejection. I fear I could not go through that again. And simply because of this fear, because of the barrier that I instantly erect, I have lost the opportunity to be with not only one, but several good people. People with whom I had a real connection, and pushing them away has hurt me as much as it must have hurt them.

In conclusion, we came to the realisation that if I were to ever allow anyone close again, I may need therapy to help me cope with what has happened to me in the past. To help me manage my prior feelings that I never really dealt with, but simply pushed deep down inside me somewhere. He is willing to pay for private therapy, and I am wiling to try. Which in itself for me is a huge thing to be able to say. I am willing to try.

I can't hide the fact anymore that lately I have been terribly low. I have entertained ideas of self cessation. I have thought about hiding away from the world – and in turn I have thought about buying a plane ticket, to anywhere far away, and just running until I have nowhere left to run. I know I cannot escape my problems – I have to face them. And that is why I am still here. I do however find myself increasingly closed off from the world and struggling with the intense sad feelings inside me. I can't help but think soon it may be time to admit defeat, and turn back to medication to help me through this daily struggle.

Apologies for the lengthy rant – I needed to get alot of this onto 'paper' in order to expel it from festering inside me much longer.

2 Comments
  1. sasha1969 9 years ago

    My dearest Sigh,

     

         I wont tell you that many of us here suffer from that very feeling of being alone for the rest of our lives due to the events in our pasts.  I wont tell you that erecting a barrier is what our minds do to protect us.  The reason I wont tell you all this is that you already know it.   You are also aware that therapy is hard work and scary as hell.  Getting back on meds is not a failure, it doesnt mean that you will be on them forever.  Just long enough to get through the hard work you will be doing.   What you may not know is that of all the people here, I know YOU can do this.  You also may not know that I care about you and I hope that you will talk to me when you need to.  You are too amazing of a human to be alone.  It just wont happen.  Please, Sigh, give yourself time to open those scabbed wounds and to heal from them.  You are good people Sigh..Don't you EVER forget that..

    *buys Sigh's father a case of beer and hugs the stuffing out of him*

    Always here for you,

    Sasha

     

     

     

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  2. JipCJeanne 9 years ago

    I'm glad that you blogged! Thanks for sharing that with us.

    You won't always feel this way….that you can't risk letting anyone in. You sound like you are a very caring sensative person. To let down your wall means to bare your heart for the kill.  I felt this way as a young adult. I was and am a big girl and felt that i had to hold onto whatever love i could get. Even if it was a sick love. So i was used and abused in my first marriage. I was 18 at the time. He did a number on my heart.

    After he devistated my world by cheating on me and leaving me with two young children, I swore I would never allow myself to love or trust again. And I withdrew into my shell of a life, for many years….and i mean many years!

    It wasn't until I was 40 that I decided that i didn't want to live or die alone. That I was in love with being in love and wanted to experience it again. I had relationships over the past few years and learned lessons of love. I learned how i could protect my heart and still get what I wanted in my life. 

    Everyday hasn't been perfect but it's been better than it was when i was alone. And if your patient and pay attention around you, you can learn how to have a healty relationship as well. Sometimes, the best relationships that are right under our noses turn out to be the best ones ever! You will know when the right one comes along. Don't give up hope hun!

    Wishing you all the best!!

     

     

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