I'm not sure when I wrote last, and if I wrote about falling out with a good friend; so I apologise in advance for possibly repeating myself.
I won't go into the full story, I'm far too tired and quite frankly sick of telling it. Needless to say, Friday night caused me terrible upset because a good friend who has chosen to fall out with me actively ignored me, and as much as I thought I could handle it, it hurt me so so much. At one point I tried to hug him, and he simply backed away and left me feeling like a fool.
On another note entirely, I have recently been speaking in depth about some of my problems with my father. He is my best friend and my hero, but over the past few years I have felt unable to speak to him – not because of anything he has done, but because I feel my problems are often insignificant and, for want of a better word; stupid. We spoke about my total inability to ever let anyone close to me since my past relationship fell apart, and how I have resinged myself to never feeling able to trust anyone else to that extent again.. which in turn has left me making peace with the idea that I may spend my life alone. This upset him, the idea that I had made peace with being alone. Like any good father, he simply wants his little girl to be happy and looked after, to have a wonderful little family and a partner to laugh with and share memories with. I spoke about my inability to even entertain the idea of ever letting this happen; my utter fear of being hurt again and the impossible task of dealing with that rejection. I fear I could not go through that again. And simply because of this fear, because of the barrier that I instantly erect, I have lost the opportunity to be with not only one, but several good people. People with whom I had a real connection, and pushing them away has hurt me as much as it must have hurt them.
In conclusion, we came to the realisation that if I were to ever allow anyone close again, I may need therapy to help me cope with what has happened to me in the past. To help me manage my prior feelings that I never really dealt with, but simply pushed deep down inside me somewhere. He is willing to pay for private therapy, and I am wiling to try. Which in itself for me is a huge thing to be able to say. I am willing to try.
I can't hide the fact anymore that lately I have been terribly low. I have entertained ideas of self cessation. I have thought about hiding away from the world – and in turn I have thought about buying a plane ticket, to anywhere far away, and just running until I have nowhere left to run. I know I cannot escape my problems – I have to face them. And that is why I am still here. I do however find myself increasingly closed off from the world and struggling with the intense sad feelings inside me. I can't help but think soon it may be time to admit defeat, and turn back to medication to help me through this daily struggle.
Apologies for the lengthy rant – I needed to get alot of this onto 'paper' in order to expel it from festering inside me much longer.