I think I become suspicious when things go well for more than a day or so.
I realize that’s nuts. People occasionally point out to me that I am probably paranoid, and yes, I probably am. This is, after all, the "depression" tribe. It’s not the "rational" tribe, or the "calm and collected" tribe.
I usually explain it to people as "Facebook for sad people." But, I have never done the Facebook or Myspace thing – I guess, DT just seems more purposeful, and that made me want to give some time to it. A decision which probably saved my life…
But, in any case…
I never expect to live up to the expectations of others.
I tend to assume that people have constantly either over or underestimated me. If they think too well of me and my abilities, I constantly fear falling short, and proving that I am deficient.
I have a lot to do, but I have been trying to rest this evening. It was working for a while, but now I am constantly fighting the urge to open my editing program, because I know there is so much to do. So much editing… because I have taken so many pictures, lately, and, that’s GREAT, but it’s also exhausting.
If I don’t f@ck it up, there’s a lot of photography stuff happening, and in the works, as well. The gallery wants to show it, and they want me to come up with elaborate and interesting ways of framing the stuff. Bizarre and edgy is sort of their style. Which makes sense, given that they like my work. The gallery guy wants to use some of my work in his, which I think is awesome. I love collaborations. My friend Mags has agreed to collaborate with me on some of the elaborate framing stuff – she is going to paint some surfaces for me. She is really gifted, and I am VERY lucky that she is interested in this idea. And, I really like the idea of having my name next to hers on a piece in a gallery. I would like to share that with her. She certainly deserves to be in a gallery as much if not more than I do. I think she’s better than me, personally, but she’s way too awesome to ever say so.
Am I a different person, now? I was talking to Charlie, earlier, and he really doesn’t seem to think I am anything like I was, when I was particularly sick, psychologically. I wonder which of us sees things more clearly in that respect.
This place needs a ton of work. And, I want to start writing again. Really WRITING, not just blogging – no offense intended, you know, I love you guys, but I am sick of myself, right now. I feel like everything I have to do has merged together into this giant wave. There’s no keeping up – it’s too massive to completely dismantle, so I just sort of try to ride the surface. And, I don’t know how to surf.
Kind of like handgliding and skydiving – it’s on the much longer to-do list of sh*t to do before I check out. I occasionally consider scrapping the remainder of this list, because I want to leave NOW, but I haven’t been feeling that way lately. I NEED to call my shrink. I have not rescheduled the last appointment that I had to cancel. (I had just gotten out of the hospital last week).
Anyway, I have to roll, for now. Please take care of yourselves, and be kind to yourselves.