I was in the doctors for over an HOUR yesterday morning. The doctor was running so late. I only needed a pill check (which I usually have with the nurse, but when I booked there was only the one appointment available, with the doctor). I almost had a freak out while in there though (I say almost because I was a bit too stunned to actually freak out, but if she had done what I was scared she was about to do, once I left the doctors, I'd have FREAKED OUT).

She was basically just running through the routine questions and we got to the one about migraines and I said yes I've had flashy lights in my eyes, but not much, and not like any kind of significant headache (the bad headaches I've had have tended to be minus the flashy lights) but she went and fetched this book and said that if you get any flashing lights/visual disturbances you HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY STOP TAKING THE PILL. Inside I was like omg, no, you can't do that! But she said I was in a high risk category for having a stroke. I think she's just being overcautious and honestly, the REAL threat of excruciating, debilitating, soul destorying pain occuring at any time frequently during the year and laying me up for days at a time was much more terrifying to me than some imaginary risk of stroke. She asked me what would happen if I didn't take the pill. Telling her how awful it had been, I heard tears in my voice. I wasn't letting them come but they were there, in my voice, the buggers. Thankfully she changed my prescription to a progesterone only pill. For a while there I thought she was going to stop me taking the pill altogether and I don't know what I'd have done. The drawback is it disrupts all your cycle so basically I won't know when my period will come, if at all. But I'm gunna try it and see how I go.

Lately the endo has been so much better than it's been in a long time! I'm almost pain free! It was getting to be quite bad last week but I did some reiki on it and it settled things.

Do you ever get the feeling that people who once cared about you maybe don't anymore? And you don't know if you're being paranoid, or what, or if you did something wrong, or what, but you've been hurt so many times you hold back from reaching out because you feel like- not scared of rejection, but like you'd just be- I don't know, bothering someone who doesn't want to be bothered by you anymore? I am such a paradox (I was going to say stupid ridiculous but I stopped myself, yay me! I still subscribe to the 'be kind to yourself' philosophy). I can be really clued up about emotions and how to deal with them, but I still find myself with these insecurities and I still find it hard to deal with them in any kind of meaningful/appropriate way. I did try that last time and it ended badly so I think I've reached a new level which is just- pretend it's not there, and don't do anything about it. Which kinda sucks. But I figure if people care then I'll know it and if I'm not sure that they care… well it's wrong to say they probably don't coz people are complex and they can't always show it, but… I was hurt so badly by that before it's almost like… if I DON'T know that someone cares, I kind of just… pretend it doesn't matter. And sometimes it doesn't, people move on, it's natural. But sometimes I do wish that I could know this without getting all angsty. I know why I do, it's the one thing that's damaged my life, that I can't get over. I coped with it at the time, but I've never really got over it, I've always carried some emotional baggage, and sometimes that affects my relationships and sometimes it doesn't, but when it doesn't, it's like I revert back to an inner child-like phase, and I don't always deal with it well. Coz what happened back then was like losing a sister, I don't have a sister, but I'd grown up with this girl since being babies- I can't even remember life before she came along since I am only 11 weeks older- so she was like a sister to me. But eventually she treated me like utter garbage and I've carried the emotional scars ever since.

Wow that came outta nowhere. Or maybe it didn't, something triggered me off the other day- I saw my ex- my first ex, the guy who was "my Xander". Being around his family again, just for 10 minutes, made me remember happy-child-hood times and made me realise, ever since the age of like 12, I've never really felt as close to anyone, as I did to her, and to him- and both of them broke my heart in different ways.

But it's also made me stronger, made me learn a lot, and be able to help others too. I wouldn't change anything. If I changed something I might be completely different and on the whole I like who I am, even if my life circumstances haven't been ideal, they've helped shape who I am and how I am, and even though there's still improvements to be made, I don't wanna change the past. I just wanna make a new future.