ah, where to start….the family (jasons dad and sisters) are in florida this month, and its just beautiful. all that quiet, a nice clean house, absolute privacy…as i’ve mentioned before, his youngest sister and i are absolute arch nemeses, so its a serious relief that i can just be myself without the endless snide comments and questions. jason and i are becoming closer than ever, as most nights we sit down for dinner and just chat away…

my mum…i think she’s getting better, but i can’t be sure. she’s getting help, so thats something. the booze is but a memory now, and she sees a therapist once a week. but something really worrying has come to light. my dad tells me she’s been hearing voices.

as i said in my last blog, my own symptoms – not ocd but the overwhelming paranoia, vocal tics and hallucinations  (which i assure you cannot be attributed to any substance of any kind) – are getting a lot worse. although most of my concern is for my mother, her worsening condition – coupled with my brothers almost debilitating paranoid schizophrenia – has made me look at myself, too. i want to be there for her, but i guess i have to accept that unless i get help for myself, i cannot be of use to her.

i know youre supposed to get better primarily for yourself, but i have to do this for her as much as anyone. yet i can’t quite bring myself to go back to therapy, or even my gp. i haven’t been anywhere near the nhs since they suggested i be screened for symptoms of schizophrenia myself.

i suppose its time to bite the bullet. something is growing in my head, slowly swelling up, and i should catch it before it turns into something nasty. maybe it never will. but then, maybe by the time i knew for sure, it would be too late.

wish me luck, friends




  1. buffster 14 years ago

    \,,one’na the major downfalls of socialized medicine *which by & large I support granted quality of care is on or above par* is the fact everything you are treated for becomes a matter of permanent record..& can surface in some of the most unexpected places later on i.e. job interviews..adoption procedings..etc..I know I’m not being helpful saying this however I "AM" being realistic..I don’t know if u have the option *or even the financial aptitude* to do this but could you seek private care which would be off anyones official "radar"?? could be an alternative which would give you the comfort zone to seek the diagnosis you will inevitiablty have to face..good or bad..best of wishes to you hun..remember..prepare for the worst..but hope for the best..\

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  2. thymeoperator 14 years ago

    you may find out you’re not schizophrenic but you’ve just got a couple symptoms of it coming across because you have other related things.  or that you’ve got schizophrenia really mildly so that you’re what they call high-functioning – which i don’t think is so bad.  it means you can live your life, you know?  i also think you should ask them about tourette’s, just in case – because maybe you just have some mild tics, but it’s always a possibility there, from what you’ve described, that it could be tourette’s.  it’s hard to say without actually meeting you in person, but i think it’s worth asking about.[br][br]and then you should just read about them all, come to terms with everything going on in your head, accept it, and look at all the positive things that come with it!!  it’s a proven fact that people with these problems tend to be way more creative and artistic than others without them, and my therapist was just last week telling me maybe if i didn’t have all my issues, i wouldn’t actually be a writer and have so many interesting things to say – and i think as a fellow writer you can relate to that 🙂  maybe you can just use it to fuel your art (because you really are so talented!!!  with a hell of a lot of persistence and effort, i think you could go places with it).[br][br]and also, if you’ve got all these problems…i know it’s like a 70-page application form but trust me it’s worth it – apply for disability living allowance!  because honestly, if you’re suffering you deserve SOMETHING for it.

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