I would like to think I am not wasting my time by going to the Dr. It seems I am there very often. She just keeps increasing the number of meds I take, upping the dosages and telling me this is just standard operating proceedures… I feel like we are making little progress.

I have been blessed with good health and I have never in my life taken anything but the occasional antibiotic for strep. Now I take 300 mg. of Wellbutrin daily, Ambien for sleep, and today she added Buspar. What next Thorazine???  The addiction threat worries me.

I know I need the meds otherwise I am even more miserable than I am right now and make everyone else aroung me miserable, but I seem to do better after quiet, rest and someone to talk to. I have just kept everything so bottled up for so long that it just came spilling out! I am also private with my personal concerns so this is all new to me. A friend said to me recently "Wow, you never have anything rock your boat do you?'If she only knew…

I feel like I should be better able to handle things and the feelings of inadequacy just seem to make the OCD worse. Is there a way out of this vicious cycle?

Everyone (my family) keeps looking at me like I have grown another head. It is so unlike me to be out of control. I think their "concern" makes it worse sometimes.  They act like they are waiting for me to run screaming to the asylum. I am not crazy, just coping poorly with a year of tragedy and stress.

The Dr. says I probably have PTSD.  I know that it has been a tough year but God that is extreme. I don't have enough knowledge about PTSD to understand it and that is my next project (to learn more) but it makes me think of the patients I used to care for in the ER who were so totally shell shocked they seemed like zombies or were totally out of control that they were frightening. I just want to scream. I am just a homeschool mom with too many responsibilities… Not some mental case. Please if you read this,  do not be offended because I am not judging anyone, just in a whole lot of denial about how serious this really is. I hope that's normal cause the last thing I need are more letters to clutter my already jumbled life…

Boston