My apologies to my OCDTribe friends for not having written anything to my account lately. I had been feeling better (or hoping that I felt better) on and off for the past year, but I found myself struggling last week.


I just started work on a web-based project for an insurance company about two months ago. I spend half my time in meetings. Lately, the meetings have become unbearable, and not because the people are difficult to work with. My anxiety starts out small but increases bit by bit until I’m just waiting to get out. It feels utterly painful and it doesn’t feel like the normal exhaustion I think one should feel after a day of work.


I saw my therapist for the first time in three months, and I let her know what happens to me every day. She’s been frustrated with me, because I had only been wiling to take a regular dosage of Zoloft, and nothing more.  I am petrified of getting addicted to other medications and I do not want to be taking an alphabet of pills just to get through the day.  She then told me I was in hell, utter hell and if I didn’t want to get help I may as well apply for Social Security and give up working. I was devastated. I cried for the first time in months. She said I had to accept that I had a disorder, and it was never going to go away with me just trying to talk my way out of it. She was right. After nine years of therapy I still was in denial of having a very serious anxiety condition that is certifiably not normal, and good thoughts and practices alone were not going to put this to bed. Sure I could function, earn a living, and perhaps trudge along in life but I was going to be absolutely miserable doing it. I finally accepted her opinion. This week, I’m going to go to my psychiatrist and admit that I need something a lot stronger, and trust that I’m not going to end up addicted to valium or whatever new drug the pharmaceutical companies have cooked up just to make money. I am also very much a person who needs to be in control, and letting go and accepting things feels like passing a kidney stone.


So my question is: is there life on the other side of accepting this as part of your life, can there still be happiness, and will girlfriends accept a dude who can’t be that guy you can always count on never to cry and always be calm?

1 Comment
  1. boobear 12 years ago

     Please be very opened minded about the meds.  Zoloft may not be the right med for you.  Or maybe a different dosage.  Yes there are a gamut of meds out there.  Not all Dr's are out to put you on the most newfangled or expensive drugs.  Due to my financial condition, I had to switch to $4 generics from Target.  My Dr. worked with me to find the right fit.  And it may take a combination of 2 different meds. to be what works for you.  You can still be in control.  Be proactive about the meds you are on.  And speak up if you feel one is not working.  I promise, it is well worth it to diminish this horrible anxiety you are going through.  I used to be afraid to take pills.  Then if something did not work and I had to switch, I was terrified.  I had to get past this fear, for my best interest.  You are a bright man.  You are getting therapy.  But OCD/Anxiety are all about brain chemistry.  You sound like a strong person, only you can allow the meds to become addictive.  I don't see this in you.  For your sake, try.  I think you will be amazed.  And remember to give the meds time to work.  Between this and your therapy, I think you will see things turn around.  And yes there can still be happiness.  The first step is managing your illness properly.  With your strong drive and determination, you will be fine.  

    Healthy wishes to you.

    0 kudos

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