My apologies to my OCDTribe friends for not having written anything to my account lately. I had been feeling better (or hoping that I felt better) on and off for the past year, but I found myself struggling last week.
I just started work on a web-based project for an insurance company about two months ago. I spend half my time in meetings. Lately, the meetings have become unbearable, and not because the people are difficult to work with. My anxiety starts out small but increases bit by bit until I’m just waiting to get out. It feels utterly painful and it doesn’t feel like the normal exhaustion I think one should feel after a day of work.
I saw my therapist for the first time in three months, and I let her know what happens to me every day. She’s been frustrated with me, because I had only been wiling to take a regular dosage of Zoloft, and nothing more. I am petrified of getting addicted to other medications and I do not want to be taking an alphabet of pills just to get through the day. She then told me I was in hell, utter hell and if I didn’t want to get help I may as well apply for Social Security and give up working. I was devastated. I cried for the first time in months. She said I had to accept that I had a disorder, and it was never going to go away with me just trying to talk my way out of it. She was right. After nine years of therapy I still was in denial of having a very serious anxiety condition that is certifiably not normal, and good thoughts and practices alone were not going to put this to bed. Sure I could function, earn a living, and perhaps trudge along in life but I was going to be absolutely miserable doing it. I finally accepted her opinion. This week, I’m going to go to my psychiatrist and admit that I need something a lot stronger, and trust that I’m not going to end up addicted to valium or whatever new drug the pharmaceutical companies have cooked up just to make money. I am also very much a person who needs to be in control, and letting go and accepting things feels like passing a kidney stone.
So my question is: is there life on the other side of accepting this as part of your life, can there still be happiness, and will girlfriends accept a dude who can’t be that guy you can always count on never to cry and always be calm?