Why is that good things don’t seem to last. I offically enjoyed one day of feeling good after coming back from my nice holiday. The next day I had an appointment with my probation officer and she said bascially that I have breached my probation,but she is not sure if she actually has to "Breach" me. She’s going to check into it. If she does I’ll probably have to go back to court to see the magistrate. There is a small possibility that I might get sentanced to jail. I hope and prey that this doesn’t happen. If this does, I know in myself that I won’t survive. I’ll either kill myself or run away forever. I’m trying to not worry myself too much about it until I see my probation officer again next fourtnight. Fingers Crossed.
This has definatly brought me back down to earth.. The next day I had a call from the psychiatrist, apparently I had appointment and I had missed it. I had an appointment while I was away and I had called them and re-sheduled. They told me that they would send me a letter with the new time, but they didn’t. I had been waiting weeks for this appointment and then I miss it. I’m not happy about that. The annoying thing was that the actual doctor called to see what had happened, and I couldn’t really talk to him as my mum and sister were in the room. He asked me how I was going, I told him I was ok, when inside I felt like screaming. So now he thinks that things are better than they are!!! ARGH! He is organising another appointment for me. Which i’m happy with.
The same day I had appointment with the job seeker people. I’m on unemployment benifits from the government and they are apparently are going to try and find me a job. They asked me questions like "Is there anything that can prevent you from getting a job?" and stuff like that. I was too embarrased to say that I suffer from depression, and how debilitating it is. The thought of working right now is insane and scares me. I honestly don’t know what i’m going to do. I’m in such a messy place.
I can feel old urges coming back. Drinking and cutting thoughts are plaguing me again, and I feel so guilty about it. I have put my family through so much, and they think i’m getting better, but to me it feels like i’m treading water. Going no where… I’m so worried.. what happens if i end up back in hospital? I look at the scars on my wrists.. reminders of what I’ve done, and there is no escape… They are always going to be there, and there is nothing I can do about it.