Depressed, and generally exhausted, I will try to get some things done today. I am far behind with most things, which is not unusual these days. I am unable to deal with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. When I think about pushing for any change in circumstance, I start to fall apart. Earlier this month, there was a morning when I burst into tears the moment I opened my eyes. My doctor talked about putting me in a hospital, but I said no. I have not talked of suicide, so he cannot force the issue.
I am taking a class this semester, which is progress.
I am in a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation with some of those closest to me. Any action I take will be disappointing, or even heartbreaking, because there's no easy or ideal way around any of these problems.
My mental state is very shaky. Most of the time, I am aware of whether or not my thoughts are sound, but I am not sure how much nuttiness is getting past me. I have a history of not realizing I've gone off the deep end (I guess that's pretty common amongst the mentally ill). I try to censor myself – to be reasonable, and all that, but I don't always succeed. I am impatient, irritable, and I have a hard time focusing on anyone for very long. Right now, it's easier being alone. I used to be down right terrified of being alone, but now… it has gotten fairly easy, and feels safe.
I need to get it together and get some shit done. I need to stop killing time. Time is too precious, and I have wasted too much in recent years.
Unrelated tangent: I have a number of friendly acquaintances who give me shit for believing in God. This is an ongoing problem. They say I am too smart for that, and spout hateful anti-Christian rhetoric. It always gets on my nerves, because I can't begin to understand how my faith threatens them. I am liberal, and quite secular in my politics. Recently, I told someone that I was not terribly threatened by the idea of being wrong (about the existence of God, ect). He compared my sentiments to Pascal's wager. Such nonsense… that isn't what I meant at all. What I meant is, if there is nothing beyond this life, and everything we do now counts even more because of it, I can live with that. That idea has it's own sort of beauty, and could embrace it without any panic or sadness, if it were proven to be true. I don't believe what I do out of a fear of the unknown, no matter what anyone says. I am open to whatever the truth is, but for now, this is my truth, and if one is truly liberal, they should be willing to stand alongside a person of faith who is fighting for the same things that they are fighting for. Doing otherwise is both counterproductive, and a perversion of liberalism.
I will now hop off my soap box.
Still praying for the heroes of Egypt…