I didn’t go to my Mom’s wake or funeral last week because I was way too disturbed to pull it off. There was a good chance I would have run up and tipped her casket over. I would have done something to create a scene and I knew it. So, I stayed home and created another type of scene…the "where’s Don scene"…
Yes, I was hoping enough people would ask my family about me and they would then be forced to consider my wellbeing. Nope, it didn’t help one bit. I’ve spent the last 10 years, suicidally depressed, and right under their noses. I have deteriorated enough for anyone with two eyes to notice. And when I speak to people, I think I leave enough of a clue for them to see the depth of my pain. The fact is, they (my family and friends) are not mentally equiped themselves to deal with me. So they don’t.
My Dad may not be talking to me now as a result of my not going to Mom’s funeral. I wrote him a letter and dropped it in his mail box last week. I expressed how disturbed I was feeling at the tiime and that I now wanted to pay him a visit (with my dog "hillary" of course, he can show love to a dog, but not to a human). He has not gotten back to me.
I typed up another letter today and will drop that in his mail box tonight. It’s possible that due to his dementia, he read the letter and completely forgot to get back to me. It’s also possible he is really put off with me for not attending the funeral. It really hurts that he doesn’t get how sick I am and the depth of my need for help.
I’m doing my best too reach out to people here at DT and I feel it has paid immense dividends already. I can see several people here that I am elated by, for having the opportunity to get to know them better. Its gonna take time for the getting to know process to take place but I’m willing to wait it out. I may have blown it with one of them already by over expressing myself. I’m hoping a little cooling off on my part is all that is needed.
Time to go walk Hillary and clear my head a little.
If you read my blog, thank you…I love you for your patience.
Peace, Joy, and Love to All,