Been having terrible sleeps, the thought of the next day is gloom. I know youre not supposed to think like this…Im trying hard to think of something positive for tomorrow, its hard. What can i do ? I can wake up and go for walk if i can find a forest around here ! Im gonna wake up and see the same gloomy silent and lifeless things…i dont know why , my depression has and mental state is exhausting. getting triggered so easily now…i can handle bottoming out, ive been through a lot. I think ill survive . I cant help but feel lonely..and i dont want to envolve anyone in my life. I tried reaching out to people before and got hurt again and again. Sick and tired of trying to pretend . I hate my life , there are only brief moments of any kind of joy.

I was hurt a lot as a child , its a tough way to start life. In fear , despair.. the sadness and hopelessness . It lingers, its what molded me. All throughout school i felt like an outsider, i was very insecure in all areas. Just make it threw school and then back home to uncertaintanty.There was a presense or fear the minute I started walking home..it was so unpredictable.You never knew when things were going to erupt. As a matter of fact, when there would be a rare day of peace, it felt strange. Things could go ok for a while but then things would go mad. It was so hopeless and it was a state of terror.

I dont know the point of thinking about it, but surely it needs to be released. A lot needs to be released, I hope to do so slowly. I havent written much since my school days and I was never the smart type. I got by with average grades. As you might imagine , concentrating on school was quite hard when things at home were a mess…I always dreamt of a day when i was older and all the past could be forgotten..

This is so weird but my childhood nightmares which lasted for several years were a dream of me sitting all alone in a cemetary next to my fathers grave.there was no one else there, just black in all directions.I was sitting holding my knees in my chest, wasnt crying but just sat there scared. I never understood why that dream kept reoccurring, but some of it makes some sense now..

It seems as though the dreams i have dreamt at least twice had some purpose and was relative to my life .My last one was about this guy I sorta knew in highschool . We were in the outdoors, very rocky. We both stood on a rocky plateau, it started rumbling and it cracked. The part that broke away was the part i was on. I was being carried away to an unknown place, i wasnt worried or scared though. I looked down and in the corner of my eye I see this snake lounging at my leg. It grabbed a hold of my pants on the back side. It didnt bite my skin, I just stood there at stared at it. Confused ..the rock and I dissapear