My marriage is (to say the least) a complicated one. It has been riddled with addiction, and the sad effects of psychiatric problems (problems that were amplified by heroin). My manic, self-destructive behavior hit levels that were intolerable (for both of us). Heroin and depression (and who knows what else) killed his sex drive a couple years into our marriage. I eventually had an affair – lonely, drug-addled, and manic, I made some really terrible choices, and my life has unfolded accordingly.
Charlie loved me, even when I was absolutely out of my mind, but he knew I was getting crazier. I didn’t see it, and he kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want the confrontation, but he also didn’t want to stop using smack, which would be an obvious step to undoing some of the damage done. He let me get crazier, and crazier, without a word, until my nuttiness hurt him very directly – those are the only times he felt the need to draw attention to me being unbalanced (when I had hurt him VERY badly). And, he was so cruel about it, at times.
I hurt him, so he wanted to hurt me. I guess that’s fair.
Now, he’s warming up to me a little. Might mean nothing… it’s all little things. He’s more into spending time with me, to make music and take walks and such (there’s a lot of Star Trek involved, as well). He smiles at me more. He’s made statements to me, and other people, about how well I’ve been doing, and how good my photography is, and he just seems warmer. He still hasn’t tried to kiss me (except on the forehead or cheek when I have been very sick), and he hasn’t said I love you. But, he goes with me to the doctor, and the hospital (when he’s not at work), and he sits by my side all night when I am hospitalized. He sleeps sitting up in a chair that looks only half-ass comfortable. But, I have always known that he still loves me – but, I’ve wondered if he was still IN love with me, for some time, before the fit hit the shan. I don’t know if he ever will be (or could be), again.
All the behavior that strikes me as him maybe warming up to me could simply be the result of his resentment fading – him seeing no reason not to get along with me, and enjoy my company, as long as we’re still so present in each other’s lives. We sort of need each other, on a number of practical levels. But, of course, there’s a lot more to it than that. Seven years is a long time, and it’s not we’ve been dating for that period f time. We have been married for five years. Five screwed up years, but I still loved him, and I still love him. I always will, whatever happens. How could I not? Maybe, he knows it can’t be fixed, and he wants us to part on good terms, and that’s why he’s cultivating this friendly relationship.
He hangs out with me a lot. And, we have fun.
Will it ever be more than this? I really don’t know what’s going to happen, or what’s supposed to happen. It’s been a good while since everything hit the fan (early March), and now that we’re off the hard stuff, we’re supposed to be getting to know each other, as we are, now, and figuring out what we want. I don’t know what he’s thinking – I can’t read him for sh*t. I think I could, once upon a time. But, he’s closed off, and smart. He learned to hide his feelings, even from me. I wish he wouldn’t, but that’s the way it is, and it’ll have whatever effect it’s going to have.
As someone recently pointed out, "he’s still there." But, who knows what that means? I’m not sure that Charlie even knows. We’re just trying to flap our wings, without flying forward, or backward.
Would he tell me if he was going to leave, and he knew it? I don’t know.
But, no matter what happens, I am glad we can have fun together.