A jumble of thoughts

I'm already dead.

Most of my life I'm sleepwalking through,

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I cant actually talk to anyone about my feelings,

I put on a mask every time I leave my room,

A mask that tells everyone “I'm fine, I'm getting better”

But inside all I think about is killing myself.

I feel so alone, but when people reach out I get scared and I pull away.

I don't want to spend time with anyone because then I have to put that mask On, and that takes so much.

I'm tired of living with scars all over my body,

I'm tired of feeling awful about whatever I eat,

I'm tired of not being able to sleep,

I'm tired of having to cut myself,

I'm tired of all the pills,

I'm tired of feeling empty,

I'm just always so tired.

And the only sleep that would help me is death.

But i'm scared.

More than anything i'm scared.

I want to grow older and have kids,

I want to become a therapist so I can help people so they wont feel like i do,

I want to do crazy things,

I want to fall in love and get married, but i'm scared of that too,

I'm just scared of everything. I just cant live my life like this,

Is this what it’s always going to be like?

Because if it is, then this really isn't living, this is hell.

Sorry I'm not strong enough to deal with this shit.

Tell mum I love her..


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